


To Mend (A Broken Heart)

by average_writer



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Break Up, Broken Engagement, Engagement, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Light Dom/sub, Male-Female Friendship, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Repairing a Relationship, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Sad and Happy, Self Confidence Issues, Smut, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:48:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26540917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/average_writer/pseuds/average_writer
Summary: In a very Cat Adams fashion she walks into the life of Spencer Reid like a tornado. This time breaking possibly the most important thing on his life, his engagement.This time the she has left two victims. It's up to Spencer and (y/n) to see if their love is enough to be together again. Will they ever mend their broken hearts? Or would Ms .45 claim their relationship as one of her numerous victims.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr., Luke Alvez/Penelope Garcia, Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 25
Kudos: 55





	1. Disclaimer

**DISCLAIMER**

(You can omit this if you chose)

Hello everyone!

So, I will be writing some disclaimers that would hopefully clarify most plot holes and questions on the fan fic.

First I would like to apologize on my behalf because I am not a native English speaker, so if there are any grammatical errors or words that are repeated throughout the work I apologize. I will be trying my best to check my work before I upload. This work isn't Beta'd.

Second of all, and to clarify the time line. In this work the events of "Entropy" (Cat's first appearance) Happened. But this is before Prison, or instead of prison, however you chose to look at it. The work is heavily inspired by the events of "The Storm", with the prison break. And that Episode of season 15 with the kiss. IYKYK. In this work (y/n) joined the team after JJ quit, but she didn't leave, instead she was moved to field agent.

The team here is Rossi, Hotchner, Morgan, Garcia, JJ, Prentiss, Reid, and Alvez. The reason why Alvez is here is because I really like his character a lot, and he would play an important roll. The rest is because we already know they are the dream team, I love to write them. 

So yes, although this is obviously a CM fan fic it will be following its own story line. Again, this is all fanfic and I chose to do it this way for my advantage.

If you have any questions feel free to ask them. I love to read and responf to comments! Constructive criticism is more than welcome but I will be filtering hate.

I hope you guys enjoy this work as much as I have enjoy writing it. 


	2. One

If what Cat Adams wanted was to ruin Spencer’s life, she had gotten away with it.

It had been three months since the break in the all female’s prison. The news had traveled to the bureau the very same night, and as soon as the name Cat Adams appeared on their screens they had started a game. A game of cat and mouse with one of the most prolific paid assassins in the world. It had been suspicious how she seemed to be leaving clues for them to pick, but to a certain extent it had seemed like a taunt more than actual help. As was the case every time Ms .45 and the BAU crossed paths Spencer was the main target. It was like the woman knew exactly how to get to him. Even now, three years after the first meeting. She seemed to know exactly what buttons to push on him. 

The six previous months were exhausting to say the least, every time they were on the jet on their way back from a normal case she reappeared. Almost as she knew, depriving them of any kind of rest they could get.TNobody was in the mood to be positive, knowing that every waking hour was another opportunity for her to kill someone else. The media’s glorification of her did not help the image of the team at all. Everything that was happening was the recipe for a perfect storm. 

Weight falling hard on (y/n), who, as a media liaison, tried and failed to let the public know what kind of woman she really was. It seemed like an impossible task when she seemed to be charming the audience. Cat Adams slowly took her confidence away. Confidence she had spent years building.

She knew that, she knew exactly when and how to strike. That’s how she knew when to approach. Standing outside Spencer’s apartment with a deal. She would let his mother live in exchange for one night with him. She did know where his mother was, even when Diana had been placed in witness protection. Cat wasn’t bluffing, Spencer knew that much. Spencer didn’t actually plan on sleeping with her, having planned on guiding her to his apartment and barricading there until someone came. He had plans on meeting someone in less than ten minutes and they knew he would not be late.

It was the perfect plan on his head, but of course she would not let that happen. Demanding him to kiss her as soon as they stood on the door. Call it stress, or urgency, but Spencer kissed the woman with a fervor that only he could muster. Letting his hands explore her as she smiled on his lips having gotten what she had wanted. Exactly what she wanted.

That’s when the door swung open. Inside his fiance stood shocked at the scene.

(y/n) wasn’t a field agent, not really, but she had been trained. She still had her gun on her and she acted quick. Between the two of them they had the woman apprehended in a matter of seconds.

It was too late, the damage already done. Both of them watched when the police took the woman away. Her screaming how he had begged her to do it, how his heart could not belong to anyone but her.

Twenty four hours had passed, twenty four long and horrible hours. Now they were both back in the apartment they had been sharing for seven months.

For him she seemed like a light that brightened the place, so right now it felt weird how it seemed like the flame was slowly fading away. She was still there and the place already looked dark.

“(y/n)...”, her name sounded like a prayer on his lips. A prayer that would go unanswered.

“I think this is for the better Spencer”, she bit her lip containing the tears. Still her voice came coarse behind a sob.

“I love you”, he said. “We can work this out”, he tried to take a step towards her, but she kept the distance taking one back. Every step back she took she got closer to the door. So he stopped moving completely.

They were completely still and silent for five minutes. A juxtaposition on how they felt. It felt like the world was spinning and screaming. 

“Tell me you didn’t feel anything when you kissed her”, she finally spoke. This time the words came clear from her.

He couldn’t lie.

Not to her.

No to the love of his life.

He didn’t want to feel anything, he really didn’t. When his lips met hers he tried to feel nothing but hatred, but he couldn’t. She was yet another addiction he had fallen sick into. It wasn’t love of course, it was way worse. Animalistic and deeply wrong.

His silence right now was enough to answer her. They both understood.

“I love you”, he emphasized the last word. He loved her, not Cat Adams, but (y/n) (y/l/n), the woman who owned his heart. The woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

He knew what that kiss had meant for her. She had watched the needy way he kissed the other woman, a way he hadn’t kissed her in a while. He didn’t want to admit the fact that ever since Cat was on the run he felt sick, feeling like he didn’t deserve to kiss his own fiance, Knowing that he was too fucked up and waiting to preserve whatever innocence there was on her. He felt like his touch would break her beyond repair. So he acted distant instead, not really understanding how that would be all that much damaging. (y/n) was someone who liked physical affection. Her whole life she had dealt with self esteem issues so when she met Spencer he knew he would need to reassure her every day that he loved her. Calming her anxieties.

“Goodbye Spencer”, She said, walking out of the apartment with her bag.

Suddenly the ring that had been placed on his hand thirty minutes ago when the fight broke burned on his hand. He dropped it to the floor. The metal clinking against the hardwood as the diamond mockingly reflected the light coming from the ceiling.

It wasn’t just what he and Cat had done. The past six months seemed like a test on their love, a love three years in the making. It could be four, if you counted ever since Spencer and (y/n) fell in love.

It was the first case that she had as the official media liaison of the BAU. The first time she went with them on the field. They were on their way back on a seven hour flight. Spencer complained to Rossi just how bad of a player he was. Then (y/n) had intervened, saying that she wanted her chance against the self proclaimed genius. Everyone had laughed, and witnessed the first couple of rounds. After a second it felt repetitive to see him win, so the two were left with only the chess board as the witness. When not even twenty minutes later she exclaimed in victory everyone shared confused looks. Because Spencer Reid always won, and there was no way that she could have won. 

When everyone was congratulating the woman who beamed in glee the only one who caught the small smile tugging at the side of the genius’ mouth was their unit chief. Ever since then it seemed like he went out of his way to make her smile, making references of things she had mentioned of liking, or stepping up to defend her. It was odd behaviour for someone like him, but that was the first Spencer she came to know. 

Three months into her working in the unit and she had confronted him after a comment from Penelope.

“Honey you know I think you are brilliant but there is no way that you won that chess match, boy wonder is just too good”, she had casually said while she was in her office.

She turned to face JJ who just nodded in agreement, a guilt on her face from a secret they all knew.

So she confronted him, demanding to know the truth. Spencer had promised not to lie to her, he physically couldn’t. Not when the woman seemed to hold his heart on his hands. So he confessed, promising it wasn’t pity but an act of kindness.

“I wanted you to feel welcomed to the team”, he had said, a white lie. 

He wouldn’t admit that he wanted to see her smile until much later. For now they were both too shy. The behavior started like a forming friendship. Most mornings she would go out her way into the bullpen to place an americano with seventeen packets of sugar and a chocolate glazed doughnut with sprinkles on his desk. In the afternoons he would clock out and wait an extra twenty minutes around the elevators to wait for her. The walks to her car filled with chit chat and laughter, just for him to go back to the upper floor to catch the train. Most nights she offered to drive him but he didn’t want to feel like a burden. Besides he liked the train, it was like a little extra time to read. He had been reading a lot of poetry lately, it seemed like now he knew exactly what the authors were talking about.

They had entered each other’s lives slowly, slipping through the cracks to fill each other. At least it felt like it, days felt now full and time wasn’t linear anymore. Still, even when the whole team noticed that the behavior they were exhibiting wasn’t just friendship, it took them a whole year before she made a move. He had gotten shot on the knee, sending him into surgery. She had left work, and driven all the way to the hospital. Launching at his arms the moment she entered the hospital room. Their lips meeting for the first time of what would become many.

Blame it on Emily for just calling her saying “Reid got shot”.

After their love confessions nobody had been surprised, the least surprised had been Aaron Hotchner, who in all his professionalism asked them to stay professional at work. That was never a problem. They both acted strictly professional, with the only small detail that everytime he went into the field he walked towards him to offer him a hug. That didn’t bother anyone, not with a job like theirs, putting their lives on the line each time they stepped outside.

For everyone, including the couple, it was evident that the love was real. A match made in heaven as Morgan liked to call it. The genius was happier now, more confident with her by his side. She had gained her self esteem back, knowing she couldn’t doubt his love. Not until Cat Adams broke free.

The way his head jerked everytime her name was mentioned made (y/n)’s stomach turn. Or the way he stared at her picture of the screen, she hoped it was hate. And then she witnessed the kiss. She had received a message asking her to meet the man inside the apartment, she didn’t question it, never suspecting he hadn't sent the text.. When the door swung open she saw the way he kissed her. Like he used to kiss her before all hell broke loose. Clinging to her body like he was actually scared that she would go anywhere. She had given him the benefit of the doubt, but the way he looked like a deer caught in the headlights when she asked him how he had felt told her enough.

She liked to think she knew the genius better than anyone else. Their relationship slowly crumbled under the stress for the last few months. She loved him, there was no doubt of that in her mind, but this seemed like one of those times in which no matter how strong the love was everything else felt wrong. 

As soon as she closed the door of her hotel room she slid to the floor crying. Sobbing for the loss of the person she loved the most in life. Her plans for her future were fading in thin air and there was little that she could do. 

The genius had bawled as well, calling his best friend after several attempts to call the woman he actually wanted to see. JJ always knew what to say, or at least most of the time. When he explained how the fight had gone down, and how she had called the engagement off the blonde hugged him as he cried. On one hand she completely felt for her best friend, on the other she understood (y/n). No one can fake a kiss like the one Spencer had given her. That’s why she was so shocked as she watched the security footage from the camera before they handed them to the police. At the end of the day this was a case like any other and they needed statements from all parties involved.

~~~~~~~

“Come on guys this is Reid and (y/l/n), we all know them. They have to make it, I mean they are soulmates”, Penelope said as everyone sat around the table. 

The silence that felt in the group only served to feed her anxiety.

“Guys…”, She said, hoping someone would agree with her statement.

“Babygirl, I hear you, I really do, but I think we should give them time. I mean I love the kid but Spencer can be obtuse sometimes, and (y/n) feels betrayed”, Derek placed his hand on Penelope’s back as she spoke, trying to calm the woman who seemed ready to cry at any moment.

“I mean with good reason, Reid has been acting so different ever since Adams escaped”, Luke Alvez added.

“You don’t know them like we do, they are like the couple that rom coms are based on”, Penelope said a little exasperated, a kind of annoyance only the new guy could pull from her.

Luke had joined the team specifically after the break, his hunting skills coming handy to catch the other females. Now it was his call whether he would stay on the team.

Emily sent her friend a look. “I think Luke is right, as professional as they are, the relationship was in troubled waters for a while”, She spoke.

But everyone’s eyes went wide when they caught the man behind her.

When Emily spun around she opened her mouth to apologize.

After three days Spencer Reid stood there, his hair messy and his eyebags more prominent, He was wearing a button up with an askew tie, and a sweater over it. The minimal effort while still looking professional. The couple had taken three days off, with their unit chief annoyed but understanding of the situation. 

“Is (y/n) here already?”, were the first words out of his mouth. He tried to avoid the gaze from everyone at the lunch table. He knew that he was the bad guy right now, and was hoping that he would see her today to finally speak.

In those three days she had not answered any of his texts or calls, and he had tried to look for her all around the city. Even taking a trip to New York to visit her dad, to no avail. If anything he had left even more heartbroken, the man already knew the moment he knocked the door. He recognized the hatred in his eyes as he tried to explain. He had only reminded him of the promise he had made when he asked for her hand, that he would never hurt her.

Spencer Reid felt like the biggest asshole. He also knew he deserved that.

“No”, Everyone shook their heads, hoping that she would walk in any moment.

When Rossi approached the group and called them to the meeting room everyone was surprised, they didn’t know they had a case. Without (y/n) it seemed unlikely that someone was going through the case requests, but then again serial killers didn’t really care for the relationship problems of the group.

Reid and Hotchner exchanged a look before the former sat with his co workers on the table. His whole body seemed too accustomed to the situation. At any moment the woman would walk in the room, handing everyone tablets and him a paper folder. She always placed her hand on his shoulder before she started explaining the case. It was such a small gesture but one that never went unnoticed. This time she didn’t come out.

“As we know the last couple of months haven’t been easy on us, so and for the sake of our mental well being Chief Cruz has decided to withdraw all cases for the remainder of the week. I would urge anyone who needs help to come forward, either me or Dave can direct you on the way to someone that can help.”, he said, his voice with the usual parental concern. “For the rest of the week I want everyone to catch on paperwork, Prentiss, you need to submit the files B and H of case number six-seven-two-four. Morgan you need to finish your statement for the arson case. Everyone else please make sure you are up to date, I’m sure the cold case unit has several cases in which we can help. I would be working on finding a new media liaison, and hopefully someone would be joining us next week”

The last part seemed, and was played like a normal part of the briefing, but everyone’s head jerked up. Confusion washing over the team.

“What about (y/n)”, Spencer asked, his pitch higher as terror settled on his face.

“Agent (y/l/n) will be handing her resignation tomorrow morning”.

It was clear that Aaron tried to sound professional, but failed. The disappointment showed on his tone as he gave the man a sympathetic look. Maybe he should have announced her departure in another way he thought, but it had been done already.

“She can’t leave”, he furrowed his eyebrows.

“Spence”, JJ was the first one to try and pull her friend back to reality. It was the workplace after all.

“She can’t leave the team, she is too good”, he said.

“It would be hard to find a replacement, but she expressed her need to leave”, Aaron said with a sad tone, one that he was trying to mask.

“If anyone needs me I’ll be in my office”, he said after a second, the grief of the room becoming too much for him to bear. She had come to like the woman, as far as feeling like a mentor for her. She definitely had grown as an agent on her time with the team. A star employee who would be missed dearly.

Once he walked out Spencer stood up.

He closed his eyes, not being able to face the people he considered his family as he pleaded. “If anyone knows where she is please tell me”, he said.

“Kid…”, Morgan said, he knew his hopelessness, but also respected her privacy.

“She can’t leave the team”, he said. “I need to beg her to stay, not with me but with us, please”, he said.

He knew his intentions were tainted, but he couldn’t be the reason why she left the job she loved.

“I think you know where she is”, Penelope was the one who spoke. 

Getting accusatory looks from the rest, but she didn’t really mind them. She knew them, she was her best friend and she also agreed she couldn’t leave this job.

Spencer frowned now, his mind working fast to think of any place she could be, until he landed on one he hadn’t thought of before.

He tried to reason, someone was supposed to be occupying her old apartment, which was the reason he didn’t check. She actually owned the place and once they got engaged they moved in together. She had said she had found someone to rent the apartment to, and up to that moment he thought they had already moved in. But it wasn’t the last of the month, which meant she could be living there for the next week until they had to start moving.

He didn’t really think to explain anything as he walked out. Aaron only looked through the window of the office and did not need an explanation.

Twenty minutes later and he knocked on the door. His fist shaking as it made contact with the wood.

The way (y/n) looked when she opened the door felt like a dagger to the stomach. She was wrapped on a cardigan, her hair on a low ponytail. Her eyes were bloodshot red as well as her nose, and the dark circles around her eyes were almost purple. That wasn’t the worst part, the worst part was the death stare she gave him.

“What are you doing here?”, she asked, her eyes watering again.

“I want to talk”, he said, there had been a speech prepared but as soon as he saw her his mind went blank.

“I don’t”, she tried closing the door but thankfully his hand stopped it.

“Please, I want to apologize”, he pleaded. “I was an asshole, and I am so sorry. I never ever wanted to hurt you but I did, and I was an asshole and I’m sorry.”, he spoke fast, the words blenging with each other.

“Spencer please leave”, she almost sobbed, biting her bottom lip to stop it from quivering. She loved him so much.

“I haven’t been the best boyfriend in the past few months”, he tried to say but he stopped. There was no excuse for the numerous times he had taken his bad mood out on her. Never physically of course but he had definitely been repressing anger and relieving it on her with his actions.

She deserved better, something he hadn’t thought about until right now.

“Look, I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I really don’t. But please don’t leave the team”, he finally said.

A bitter laugh escaped her, “I cannot go back, and you cannot leave, this is the only way”, she said motioning with her hands as the tears fell.

“You can’t leave the team. (y/n), you have worked so hard to have that position. You are the best at it, even JJ admits that. I know with the reputation on the bureau other units will fight to have you, but the team needs you”

He bit his lip; it wasn’t until he tasted the salty wetness that he realized he had been crying as well. His whole face damp.

“I can’t go back Spencer, I cannot work… I cannot work with you I can’t”, she confessed, her whole body shaking as she sobbed.

He didn’t come forward, respecting her too much. As much as they both needed a hug from the other they also didn’t. There were too many bottled emotions to trust each other into holding one another.

“Yes we can, I promise you I won’t do anything during work, I’ll respect you and we can be as professional as we always are, like it was before”, he pleaded.

He knew how difficult it was going to be, but also knew she deserved that at least.

She wanted to remind him how they were never just coworkers. How from the moment she had seen his hazel eyes she had fallen for him, and how if she kept looking at them she would fall again, and forgive something that felt unforgivable right now.

“Look, come back. If you really hate me that much, and cannot work with me I will leave the team”, he spoke sure of his words.

She didn’t hate him she thought, she loved him. That was the problem. She would never stop loving him.

“You can’t leave the BAU”, she said instead, the back of her hand coming to rub her nose. He was too valuable of an asset for that to happen.

“I will if that means you get to keep the job you love”, he said.

He knew just how much she had proven to get to her position, how she held herself as one of the best media liaisons of the Bureau. It was a field dominated by men, yet she came winning every time. It wouldn’t be difficult for her to find another job. She constantly got dozens of offers, but she had explained before just how much she loved the BAU. Nothing in the world could replace the little family she had found with the team. He couldn’t live with himself if he ripped that away from her.

“It won’t work”, she said, evidently coming to the conclusion herself a while back.

“It will”, he replied. “We always make it work”, he explained.

The words came heavily as a promise, but she didn’t read too much into it. Still, she wanted to. 

“We will see each other every day Spencer, you understand that right?”, she tried to rationalize.

Tried to make him see how difficult it will be to act like they were just co workers. After all this time, and after everything that had happened. The prison break came so close to the engagement that they never really had time to plan anything, it had felt like the rest of the relationship, only that this time she had finally agreed to move in with him.

“If it’s too much you just have to tell me”, he promised.

He clearly wasn’t thinking on the effects this arrangement would have on his own heart.

“Fine”, she finally agreed.

He felt his heart sore for a moment, a glimpse of hope.

“Can we… can we talk?”, he asked, testing his luck.

She knew what talking implied.

“I’m not ready”, she shook her head. “I might never be ready”, she corrected her words quickly, shattering his heart once more.

He nodded his head still, promising he would do anything to gain her trust again.

“Spencer”, She said after another minute of silence. “I need you to tell me something, to tell me the truth”, she said. “Is the only way I can come back to the team”

From the way she looked away avoiding his eyes he knew a difficult question was about to be thrown at him. He braced himself before he said, “Anything”

“What is it about Cat Adams?”, she asked, her voice so small.

If she thought he was broken before he was beyond repaired now, he could never forgive himself for being the reason she looked so sad. For being the reason she didn’t feel enough. He wanted to tell her how much she loved her, and how there will never be someone who he loved quite as much. That hadn’t been what she asked though, and she deserved an honest answer. As much as the words were hard even for him to say out loud. He only hoped that his honesty wouldn’t go unnoticed, and would at least make her believe him.

“She once told me we were the same”, he said, his voice no louder than a whisper. “I think she was right”

She finally met his eyes, tears falling from both now freely as they stood there. She fought the urge to tell him that he wasn’t, that he was a kind good man. But she stopped because maybe, in the most fucked up sense of all. He was like her.

She nodded her head slowly, not in agreement but in understandment.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Spencer”, She said before the door closed.

He had at least gotten what he came for, and apparently so did she.


	3. Chapter 3

Three months had passed. At first everyone was apprehensive when the couple had come explaining they would both be keeping their positions on the team. They had sat with Aaron for hours discussing if this was a good idea or not, at the end they had convinced the man. The team had been extremely helpful, making sure they never stayed alone together, and offering support through the whole ordeal.

She had moved to a smaller apartment, thinking the close space would make her new life feel less empty. He had tried to speak with her, with no success. 

Three months that felt like an eternity, in which they both decided to ignore the situation instead of addressing it. They know sooner or later they’ll have to talk about it. They couldn’t just avoid taking the same elevator forever.

“Ok Pen, can you send the address of the mom as well”, (y/n) said into the receiver.

“Of course, sending it now to everyone’s phone, good luck guys”, the woman said hanging up.

At first Penelope had apologized a million times to (y/n) for telling Spencer that she had been sleeping in her old apartment, but she understood that sooner or later she’ll have to speak to him, he still had all her stuff at that point.

“Rossi, JJ, Prentiss and I will go to the mother’s address”, Hotch said while he put his kevlar on. “Everyone else go to Walken’s residence”

After a week on the case they finally had gotten a good suspect for who was killing all those men. It was the most stressful part, to try and catch them.

Up until that point and for the past couple of months Spencer didn’t participate in any takedowns. He normally stayed behind, his brains always being a bigger asset than his physic. As he put his own kevlar on he couldn’t help but feel the sadness of something missing. Specifically the hug he normally got from the woman who right now was writing something in a file. He thought she was ignoring the situation, but she was trying really hard to concentrate on anything else.

When her eyes met him across the room it was clear she couldn’t ignore it. He was going to put himself in harm’s way and for the first time in three years she wouldn’t say the words to him.

“Make sure you come back to me safe and sound”, she would say each and every time. A hug accompanying her words as she made sure his vest was fastened. He would utter some positive words before heading out.

The words almost slipped out of her lips, but she caught them before they formed. 

“Stay safe guys”, she said instead, looking around at the group. There were a couple of reassuring smiles and nods. No reaction from the man as they walked out.

She won’t admit how relieved she had felt when the team had checked back saying that he was at the mother’s address and not his. Choosing to instead start the pile of paperwork that came after each case.

Aaron had decided that it was for the best to head out the same night, they were relatively close to home and tomorrow being Friday he didn’t want anyone taking work for the weekend.

“Hey”, Alvez sat next to (y/n), who was one of the only people awake on the plane, a single light shining over the paperwork she was filling,

“Hey”, she smiled up at him.

“So, Juan told me he had a good time last Saturday”, he said in a low voice.

To their defense neither of them knew that Spencer was awake, or that he was sitting behind them. They both thought he was on the back of the jet with the rest of the team that was sleeping.

“I did too”, she said in a polite manner, closing the file and looking at Luke.

“He wanted to apologize for running out like that at the end of the night”, Alvez said.

She knew Alvez was trying to do something nice, having her set up with one of his friends. She just wasn’t ready, and now she was even more hesitant. The guy had been very nice and entertaining, but she just couldn’t focus on him, and he didn’t deserve that.

“That’s okay, I understand that an emergency is an emergency”, she said. 

The way her heart broke when she found out the guy was a doctor was something she was not yet ready to discuss.

“So…”, he started.

“So..?”

“Do you think if he asks you on a second date you’ll say yes?”, he asked.

She didn’t think so, but didn’t want to discuss that right now either. It felt like every emotion and action had now a lot more weight to them.

“Possibly”, she gave him a tight smile.

“Good”, he smiled, “Let me help with that”, he said, reaching to the small table for another folder.

Normally Spencer helped her with the after case workload, so she just smiled thankful as the man started writing on the papers.

The next day had gone so fast with everything that needed to be done. As always Morgan had to do his statement and defend himself for using force. There was one weird thing that happened at Lunch time. (y/n) was on her way to Penelope’s office to have her lunch. She had stopped as she saw Spencer walk out, she hid on around the corner as quickly as she could, Luke Alvez making its way inside as the other man walked out.

“Hey Reid”, Luke said. There was no response from the other man who just angrily walked away.

When he was gone (y/n) made her way inside.

“You are not welcomed here”, Penelope was telling Luke.

“Hey I just wanted to say hi”, he defensively put his hands up.

“Out”, she said.

The man chuckled, turning around.

“Hey, you in a bad mood too?”, he asked, in clear confusion.

(y/n) shook her head with an apologetic look. 

“Well that makes one”, he smiled at her as he walked out.

“You know, Alvez is a good guy”, she smiled, sitting on her usual spot. “You should give him a chance”, she said.

“When Hell freezes over I will consider it”, Penelope said in a sure tone as she took a seat next to the woman.

She knew that Penelope liked giving Luke a hard time, so she dropped the topic as the two of them started eating their lunches.

(y/n) had never been more thankful she had her own office. She was putting everything away for the weekend when a soft knocking came from the door. She turned around with a smile ready to greet whatever last minute visitor she had. The smile falling when she saw Spencer stand timidly in the door.

“Hey”, he said.

“Hey”, she replied in the same tone.

“I, I have some things I found in my closet, they are yours”, he said, walking in and placing a cardboard box on the desk.

“Thank you”, she whispered.

“You’re welcome”, he said. He lingered around for one second, putting his hands on his pockets.

“Any weekend plans?”, he asked.

Her heart drummed in anxiety, was he about to ask her out…? It seemed like it.

“Just running errands”, she nodded.

“Good, Erm, have a good weekend then”, he said.

“You too”, she sighed with slight disappointment.

“If you are heading out I can wait until you are done to take the elevator, so you can go home first”, he said.

She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. This couldn’t keep going like that.

“Spencer”, she called as the man started walking out. “We cannot completely avoid each other forever, not if we are working in the same place.”, she said walking out, taking the box and her bag with her.

He nodded his head in understandment. As long as they both worked on the same place it was inevitable that they would have to do normal stuff like sharing closed spaces. They both silently made their way out, catching confused looks from all their coworkers.

“So… Do you have weekend plans?”, she asked while they both waited for the elevators.

“I’m going to play chess in the park”, he said with a small smile.

“That’s good”, she replied.

She wanted to tell him that she was glad he was going out. It wasn’t a secret both of them had bunkered on their apartments for the past weeks.

When the elevator came they were both disappointed but relieved to see that it was full of people. The both climbed in, being separated by another person who took the middle. Neither of them looked back when they walked their separate ways.

Penelope, who had been vigilant waiting for the two of them to leave, stormed out of her office towards the desk of Luke.

“You are a terrible terrible friend”, she said.

“Hey woah”, was his only reply. “Why the hostility”, he asked confusedly.

“You set (y/n) up on a date?”, she almost growled.

He furrowed his eyebrows, wondering if (y/n) had told her, at the end of the day they were best friends.

“I’m just trying to help”, he defended.

Emily and Derek who were both on their way out walked over to see what the commotion was about.

“You are being a terrible friend”, she said again.

“No I’m not, you are”, he said, clearly tired of the anger thrown at him.

Her jaw hung as she registered the words.

“Garcia, they need to move on”, he said, much softer this time. He wondered how the woman could pull the worst and the best on him. As much as he liked to see her angry, he didn’t actually want to see her angry.

“How do you know what they need?”, she said, her tone full of sadness.

“I don’t, and neither do they. And they won’t if they decide to stay inside forever. You want to see them happy? Then help them find what they are actually looking for.”, he said.

“Baby girl he is right”, Morgan said in a low soft voice.

“I can’t believe you are siding with him!”, she said accusatively.

“I am not, I just think he is right. If they are ever coming back together they need to continue living and see if that is what they want”, he said.

“What if it isn't?”, she asked, almost in tears now. 

Spencer was like a brother to her, and (y/n) was her favorite person. They were both happier together, it wasn’t hard to see.

“Then we stay by their side. As long as they are happy we are happy for them”, Emily finally chimed in.

Everyone stayed quiet, basking on the idea that maybe, perhaps. The couple might never get back together.

When (y/n) made it back to her apartment she was exhausted. The only thing she managed to do was to prepare a sandwich and open a bottle of wine. She hadn’t drank like that in a long time. Ever since she started dating Spencer since he couldn’t drink. It was something that he never asked her to do. She just never felt the need to drink in all their time together. He never actually told her anything about it. He didn’t need to, she knew that sometimes he felt slightly ashamed of his past and she would never want him to feel that way around her.

She ate silently at the small round table. Sipping from the bottle until it was halfway empty. She put the cork back in, not willing to do more for the night. She walked by the counter, standing around the box she had placed there. With shaky hands she opened it, inspecting the contents. They were mainly clothes that she rarely used, things that probably had been pushed to the back of his closet. Then she saw something that immediately raised her heartbeat. An old, very worn, red cardigan. She remembered the first time she had worn it. On their first not official first date.

“That sounds fun, but I’m beat”, JJ had said, holding the elevator’s door as (y/n) walked in.

“Thank you”, she offered both of them a thankful smile.

“No problem”, JJ smiled. “Any plans for the weekend?”, she asked.

“Not really, I guess I might try to get out and enjoy the city?”, she said shyly. 

“I bet you miss NYC”, JJ said with an empathetic smile.

“Well, It’s just that most of my friends are there, I barely know any people here”, she explained herself.

“You know? Spence has an extra ticket for a Korean Film festival, he was just inviting me, but I want to spend the night with Henry”, she said, pointing at the man.

He had been staring at the woman all this time, so when his best friend threw him under the bus a crimson color settled on his face.

“that sounds great”, she said with a sincere smile. “But I don’t think I can be good company for that, I don’t know any Korean”, she said, and this time she sounded very discouraged, even when she tried to convey a regular tone.

“Oh, he volunteered to whisper the translation to me! I’m sure he won’t mind doing the same to you”, JJ said.

If the couple wasn’t so oblivious they could have noticed the playful tone.

“I’m sure he wants to enjoy the movie”, she replied.

“I don’t mind”, he spoke way too fast, making both women turn around to face him. “I mean”, he said, putting his hand behind his neck and clearing his throat. “If you want to come with me, I really don’t mind translating. There will be some great films by acclaimed directors and there are some of them that have translations, if you want we can even go watch only the ones that have it. If you want to watch the others I really don’t mind translating, it’s a good exercise to practice a language before it gets rusty in the brain.”, he continued.

JJ's eyes were slightly wide and her lips sucked in as she tried not to chuckle at his rambling, but it seemed like (y/n) didn’t mind it at all. Spencer could swear he would do anything for the smile she gave him in that moment.

“Okay then”, she said.

“Okay, you’ll come?”

“Sure! It sounds fun”, She finished.

He seemed dumbfounded at the idea, anxiety overcoming him when he realized he would actually have to whisper in her ear.

“You are good at that”, she had said, as they both walked to see the next entry.

“Translating?”, he asked. She nodded. “Thank you”, he blushed slightly.

“I barely know English, and high school level Spanish”, she joked.

He wanted to pay attention to the words, but couldn’t help but notice the way she was hugging herself. In a moment that would make Morgan proud he took his sweater off, putting it around her shoulders. She was only a little shocked.

“Thank you”, she whispered.

“It looks good on you”, he said under his breath, trying to test the line.

She smiled again at him. That night she had forgotten to give it back, only subconsciously. It just smelled so much like him, and he didn’t even ask for it back. It had become her favorite item of clothing. Wearing it around the house when they stayed in. It smelled like him, even after several wears on her, and many washes.

She shrugged the dress she had worn to work. Putting the material around her body and reaching back for the bottle. One more weekend crying for him wouldn’t hurt anyone right? She dragged her feet to her bedroom where she laid crying in the bed. Her lungs filled with the scent of the man she loved so much.


	4. Chapter 4

That Monday, for some magical reason (y/n) felt like it could finally be a start.

She had cried, and cried, and tried to call Spencer several times. Her pride was still hurting though, and she knew that she needed time to heal before she finally sought closure.

Love was meant to be easy, to a certain point. Like not super easy but easy enough, and the last months hadn’t felt like that. Most nights one of them even got the couch, lying about wanting to stay up working, or reading, or anything to avoid confronting the coldness of the bed. 

Spencer was so good with words, he often talked too much, but his inexperience with love made him unable to say the right words. (y/n) had had awful experiences in the past, having been in a couple of toxic relationships before she swore this one was the one. So when things started getting hard she couldn’t help but think that maybe it wasn’t and Spencer just was another man who broke her heart.

The problem was that she loved him, and he loved her. They loved each other like it was the only thing they knew how to do. 

After spending all Saturday mopping and feeling like she had thrown away the only relationship that was worth it she felt like the emotions finally came out. Like threads untangling on her mind as the tears poured. On Sunday she ran all the errands she needed to run, preparing herself for a new week with a new mentality. 

“I’m sorry I’m late boss”, she apologized when she found Aaron on her way to her office.

“Everyone can be late once”, he had said. She nodded as she walked in her office. 

Quickly getting distracted by the fresh pile of cases on her desk. There weren’t cases that warranted a flight just yet, so after skimming through the folders she separated them in groups walking out to the bullpen.

“No cases?”, Rossi asked when she walked in his office first.

“Lots”, she chuckled. “But most of them are just help requests”, she said putting two folders in front of him.

“Did you give me the hardest ones?”, he groaned.

“You know it”, she chuckled as she walked out, wishing good luck to the man.

There was something about the day that just made her feel hopeful, she almost skipped around the room, placing the designated files on each desk. There was never a shortage of districts asking for profiles of their criminals, not yet inviting the team but always willing to hear opinions.

“Someone is happy today”, Luke mentioned.

“Good morning Alvez”, she replied in a playful manner, placing the folders on his desks.

“Tell me is this no sleep kind of happy?”, he asked.

There was a blush on her cheeks, for some reason, but she replied, “The opposite, the all sleep no cases during the weekend kind of happy”, she smiled, walking towards Emily and placing the folders on her desk.

“I know! It felt like we have been working non stop”, She said. (y/n) placed her hand on her shoulder as she walked to Derek’s, who accepted the files.

“We deserve vacations”, he said as he dropped them on the desk.

“Good luck with that request”, She smiled.

“File mine too, let me tell everyone, having a kid at home is not off time!”, JJ said accepting the files with a smile.

Spencer looked sheepishly at the woman as she walked towards him.

“Good morning”, he said in a low voice.

“Hi”, She said shyly, handing him the folders a lot more professionally than she had been before with the rest of the people.

“Whenever those are ready I’ll happily fax them”, she said, walking back into her office.

As soon as the door closed Spencer glared at Luke with dead eyes, the latter ignoring him. He could be as mad as he wanted right now, but Luke had noticed the way Spencer reacted when he asked her if she had gotten lucky during the weekend. Luke only hoped Spencer would act on that jealousy sooner rather than later.

By the end of the day the whole team had come around her office, Except Rossi, who had a fax machine in his own office. And Spencer, who had made the trip to the copy room to do it himself. She knew that because she had gotten a thank you from the precincts he was helping. Going through the cases was mentally exhausting, tens of files coming in and out what seemed to be everyday. She had gotten one that might be important enough to warrant a trip to the south. Putting that folder aside she stepped outside to the empty office. 

This was a normal occurrence, She often found herself being the last person to leave, the only light on always being Hotch’s. She made her way to the elevators, not really noticing anyone behind her.

“Hey”, JJ said, making her jump a little.

“You scared me”, she chuckled.

“Sorry, thought you had seen me”, she said with a smile.

There was a moment of silence before she talked again.

“So, how have you been?”, she asked.

With the rest of the team there was a sense of normality, but JJ was Spencer’s best friend. It just felt wrong to go on with their friendship like nothing had happened.

“I’m good’, She said. “What about you?”

“I’m happy that we didn’t have a case today”, she mentioned, when the elevator came they both climbed in.

“Oh I wouldn’t get too comfortable! I’m waiting on an ME report, but if this new victim matches the MO we are looking for, we are taking a trip to the sunshine state”, (y/n) said sighing when JJ sent her a grimace. “I know”

“(y/n), I know you probably don’t want to talk to me about this but… have you talked to Spencer?”, JJ asked.

The question was weird, because if Spencer would tell anyone if they were talking again it would be Jennifer.

“No, no more than an exchange of words here and there”, she said.

The concern on JJ’s face was evident.

“Everything okay?”, she asked.

“Yeah, it’s just… nothing, just forget about it”, when the elevator’s door opened the blonde walked out.

“Hey no, wait! What is happening?”, (y/n) quickly caught up with her.

“We haven’t seen Spencer since, well since you two broke up, he just doesn’t want to go out. He was supposed to go out with Morgan this weekend.”, she explained.

“He told me he would go to the park and play chess…”

“Maybe he did”, she said in a hopeful tone. “Morgan says he went to his place and that he was definitely inside but he never opened the door.”

In that moment it felt like a wave crashed against her. Spencer couldn’t possibly…

“Have a good night Jaje”, she said, sending the woman a small smile as she almost ran to her own car.

Spencer wouldn’t do it again right? Not if he knew the damage he would cause. He was smarter than that… 

It wasn’t a thought out decision, it was almost a reaction. She drove to his apartment thankful that there was no traffic. She didn’t even register what was happening, the rain dampening her body as she ran inside the building she knew too well. She stood outside apartment 23 for a second. Her hand shook as it knocked on the door. It wasn’t until the door opened that she understood what she had done.

Because standing on the other side was a woman. A brunette about the same height as her.

“Hi…”, the woman said, first with a smile then with a confused look, she clearly wasn’t expecting to see (y/n).

She opened her mouth but closed it quickly.

“Who is…?”, Spencer was cut off when she saw the woman in the hallway. “(y/n)?”, he said confusedly, the kitchen rag that he had been wiping his hands with falling to the ground.

She wanted to apologize for intruding, but in another moment of no rational thinking she ran away, going down the stairs as quickly as possible. Not knowing if the dampness was from the rain or the tears.

She didn’t have any reason to be crying, she had broken it off. She was the one who decided to end things. 

“(y/n)”, Spencer shouted, catching up to her and grabbing her by the arm. “Please I can explain!”

“Spencer you don’t have to explain anything please let me go!”, she sobbed.

“I do! I want to please. That up there is Austin she is only a friend”, he said.

The name didn’t sound familiar, she knew most of Spencer’s friends and she had never heard the woman’s name before.

“It’s okay Spencer! You can do whatever you want okay? Just…”, her tone was exhausted as she cried fully now.

“(y/n) I don’t want to just do whatever! I want you!”, He sounded pissed.

“Please let me go”, she begged one more time. This time he did let go of her arm.

“You are the one who’s moving on!”, he shouted before she even had the chance to turn around.

She looked at him very confusedly. 

“You went on a date with Alvez’s friend”, he said accusatively.

“How did you know?”The sadness in her tone was unmistakable.

“I heard you two talking about it.”, he said, this time he hugged himself as he looked away. But then he realized something “What are you doing here anyway?”, he asked.

She probably should have left right there, but the way his hand rested on the inside of his elbows only fueled her anxiety. He followed her gaze, knowing immediately what she was thinking.

He took a step closer to her, she flinched before he reached his hand.

“Just… let me show you”, his voice was so much softer now. 

The both waited as another person entered the building, mumbling something as he walked upstairs.

Once the place was empty again he took her hand on his, rolling his sleeve with the other hand.

“Look”, He showed his arms.

She couldn’t explain how relieved she was to see the clean skin. The only thing on it were the old scars. She couldn’t help it either, her fingers ran through the skin as relieved tears escaped her. 

He held his breath. 

“Austin and I dated for a short period of time a long time ago, a mutual friend of us told her what happened between me and you since she was in town she decided to pay me a visit. Nothing’s happening between us, she is just an old friend who was worried about me.”, he explained.

She bit her lip as she sobbed before speaking. “It’s okay Spencer, you don’t have to explain anything to me, you don’t owe me anything”

“I owe you so much (y/n), but I won’t push you to anything you don’t want. I’m explaining because I need you to understand. I need you to know that I still love you, and only you”

They were now both silently crying.

“I gotta get home”, she said.

She wished home was still the apartment upstairs. She wished she could hug him as they both walked back to the only place she wanted to call home right now, but she had ruined things. She knew that much.

“Let me get you an umbrella”, he said, as a last resort to spend another minute with her.

“I’m okay”, she said. Her eyes finally met his. “Have a good night Spencer”

She didn’t give him time to answer before she walked out of the building and into the rainy night. 

So much for having a good week, she thought as she walked in the office. Sipping from the tea in her hands hoping that somehow it would make her throat less sore. She placed the mask on before walking in the meeting room where everyone was waiting.

“Are you alright?”, Penelope asked.

“Yeah, I might be coming down with something”, she said. 

“Are you good enough to travel?”, Aaron asked with some concern.

“I am, I will keep my distance and wear face masks for the week”, she said. 

Her voice was groggy but she just cleared her throat and continued. Avoiding eye contact with everyone at the round table.

“We are going to the panhandle! Destin Florida. Four weeks ago. Hannah Louise disappeared while she was on a beach run. She was found two weeks later on the same beach, her estimated time of death was one week. The same day Jenny Hudson disappeared while fishing on a small not well known lake. She was found two weeks ago, her estimated time of death was also one week. The same day Lisa Keiz disappears, and you guessed it! They found her yesterday near the beach. All three women's cause of death was drowning, although they were found with ligature marks in their wrist and ankles and several punctures, which you can see in the last picture.

“So they are gone for two weeks, he keeps them alive for one and dead for one?”, JJ asked, reading the files.

“They think the punctures are from a hook?”, Alvez asked.

“DIfferent race, and a significant age difference , what do these women have in common?”, Derek asked.

“There could be significance in the locations they were abducted, all near bodies of water”, Spencer commented.

“Yeah, but in Florida everything's near water, that just widens the victim pool”, Rossi said.

“Is there any sign of sexual assault?”, Emily asked.

“Only pre mortem”, (y/n) said, reading the file.

“Two weeks seem almost ritualistic, I’m guessing they already went through missing people?”, Aarons asked this time, standing up.

“Yeah… the bad news is that two women disappeared from the same area yesterday”, She said.

“Well that doesn’t make our jobs any easier”, Rossi stood up.

“No it does not, Wheels up in thirty”, Hotch said, his usual phrase to send everyone to get ready.

As per usual everyone walked out to collect their go bags and leave everything in order.

(y/n), too tired to do anything else, headed to the airstrip as soon as the team dismantled. She saw Spencer and Hotch talking by the elevators so she decided to take the stairs. She still saw through the corner of her eyes as Hotch nodded and Spencer hoped in the elevator hurriedly.

The flight would be two hours and a half, enough for her to catch a good nap, hopefully sooner rather than later. 

Thirty minutes often meant around thirty minutes give or take. She closed her eyes as the jet started filling. 

“You can sleep until we get there”, Hotch told her. “If you are not feeling well we are sending you back”. This came as a warning more than concern.

“Hotch, I wanted to say. I know I haven’t been the best employee lately, and I am deeply sorry.”, she apologized.

“I know things are rough right now, as long as it doesn’t affect your job performance we are okay. As for personal problems, you can always rely on me okay?”, he said.

She sent him a smile as he walked away. Aaron Hotchner was a great man. Slowly the jet filled, everyone but Spencer inside. She shifted, trying to see what was taking him so long. Was everything okay?

When the man entered the plane he had a cup and a bag of food with him. He apologized as he made his way back, sitting on the chair on the other side of the isle.

He buckled in, putting his things on the seat next to him.

“Here”, he said, handing the bag and the cup to (y/n)

She just stared at them in utter confusion.

“I can bet you didn’t have dinner, and you didn’t have breakfast either.”

Her skin immediately flushed, she hadn’t. The day before she had cried and then taken a shower, which would explain her sickness. Then in the morning she only had time to grab a tea while speaking to the police department of Destin. She was ashamed on how transparent she seemed to be to the man, but she knew this had come with years of relationship. Nobody knew her better than him.

Very timidly she reached for the items. 

“Thank you Spence, you didn’t have to”, she whispered.

“No problem, I put some medicine inside as well. There are two over the counter pills, take both of them now, then the red in four hours and the white in eight.”, he smiled shyly, turning around and fishing a book out of his bag.

She bit her lip, wanting to thank him again. Yeah, that was one of the perks of dating someone with so much knowledge, he was the best at always knowing what to do. Only that they weren’t dating. Again her mind blaming her for the way that things ended. She opened the bag, revealing her favorite bagel. Fighting the tears she ate it slowly, these were the little things that had made her fall in love with him in the first place. Spencer might have been new to the dating scene, but he was always so thoughtful and keen of details. It wasn’t only because they were in love, Spencer Reid was hands down one of the best friends anyone could have. She couldn’t help but have a sense of alleviation to know she had not lost that part of him yet.

As she had thought it didn’t take her long to fall into deep sleep during the flight. Having the most amazon dream, one which she was not alone in. It wasn’t much of a dream as a memory. Spencer sitting next to her on the jet, as he whispered the words of whatever book he was reading, she would fall asleep so quick on his shoulders. Both of them wrapped in their own little bubble, which bursted most of the time when they landed. He would be so gentle as she woke her up.

“(y/n)”, the low voice merely whispered. “We are here, wake up”

When she woke up she was crashed into reality.

“Sorry”, she mumbled, stretching on the sit.

“No worries, erm, are you feeling okay?”, he asked, with some concern on his voice as he placed his hands on his pockets and looked away.

“Yeah, yeah don’t worry”, She said, fixing her mask as she stood up. She noticed the empty jet, looking out the window at the people chatting on the ground.

“Spence… I want to apologize for going to your house”, she said after clearing her throat.

“I told you, you don’t have to apologize. Actually, I’m sort of happy that you still care about me.”, he said shyly, his hand traveling to the back of his neck.

“Spencer… I would never not care about you, I need you to know that”, the words caught on her throat and she didn’t know if it was the looming cold or fear at what she was about to say. “I also need you to know that if you want to date other people that’s-”

“Don’t”, he cut her off.

She was a little taken aback by the harshness on his tone. He sighed desperately looking outside, assessing how much time they had.

“Look I know you want to do that thing in which you tell me that I am free to date whoever I want, and that you’re going to be happy for me because seeing me happy makes you happy or anything that you are supposed to say in these situations, but don’t. Maybe three months is enough time for most people, I don’t know, but not for me. This is not me asking for pity, and I mean it when I say it that if you want to move on you can. It will hurt me but I understand what I did, and what part I played in this breakup. So I guess I want to say that if this is your way of seeking approval you have it. All I ever care about is your happiness truly, but please don’t say that is the same in your case because that doesn’t make a difference for me. I don’t want that from you.”

There were now so familiar tears flooding both of their eyes as he spoke. Could they ever really be friends? Could they ever really just move on with their separate lives pretending they never loved each other the way they did?

Worst yet, (y/n) wasn’t capable of telling him she wasn’t ready to move on yet. But when the time came, and one of them eventually did. What would life be like?

Before she could even apologize he had walked out, depriving her lungs of oxygen with every step he took.

It took the team four days to find the unsub, and when they finally had him cornered he had done one of the things that they hated the most.

“It doesn’t even feel like a victory”, Luke sighed frustrated as he took a seat next to (y/n).

“I know”, She rested her head against the chair. Thankfully her sickness had gone away with the warm weather.

The jet was dead silent, and with good reason. No matter how many times it happened, watching someone die in front of their eyes wasn’t good. Not even when the dead was the Unsub, in those cases there was a sense that he had gotten away with it somehow.

About thirty minutes passed, them trying their best to distract themselves in whatever way possible.

“So”, Luke turned on his seat.

“I was thinking we could go out this weekend, Juan has a friend he wanted me to introduce me to, double date?”, He asked.

(y/n) Looked past Luke, to the other side of the aisle where Spencer, who had previously been playing solitaire, shifted on his seat.

She didn’t know Luke had done that completely on purpose, knowing the man was so clearly eavesdropping.

“Actually, I don’t think so. Your friend was really nice don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he is a great guy. I just don’t feel completely ready yet, and he deserves better.”

“Of course, yeah”, Luke nodded with a friendly smile.

When silence fell again the three of them were fairly satisfied. Spencer having heard something that gave him hope. (y/n) coming to peace with the fact that it might take her more time than she thought. And Luke, who although hadn’t known the idiots for very long, knew that there was definitely more feelings between them than what they were admitting to.


	5. Chapter 5

“Pen, I promise I am fine”

She said into the receiver, letting her head hit the back of the couch.

“Come on… we’ll have fun!”

The ever cheery voice of the technical analyst resonated through the apartment.

“I’m really not in the mood tonight…”

She began saying, before she started hearing rustling in the back.

“Hey baby girl” 

Morgan’s voice came suddenly.

“Hey Morgan”

she sang in a playful tone.

“So why does Miss Little (y/l/n) would rather spend her Saturday night at home instead of joining us for drinks?”

There were many reasons why she would like to do that. First was, right now she was only wearing underwear and he ex’s sweater, second there was a pizza coming and a two liter bottle of mountain dew that she would definitely finish on her own. Third, everything reminded her of him. Spencer had become such a pivotal part of her life that pretending to live without him at her side was almost a crime.

“I would just like to enjoy my night in”, 

She responded instead. There was more fumbling that followed her comment.

“Hey (y/n)”

Emily’s voice came.

“Em, put me on Speaker”

She chuckled. Once the woman let her know everyone was listening she talked.

“Look you guys, I love the three of you so freaking much, like seriously so much. I just need to be by myself tonight okay? I promise you that as soon as I am ready to go out again I will immediately let you know but for the moment I need to stay in and just… Just forget”

She almost whispered the last part.

There was dead silence on the other side of the line.

“You know we are here for you right?”

Penelope’s voice almost brought her to tears.

“I know”

She sighed. After the three people sent their love and she sent her ‘have fun’s the call was over.

Just like that the apartment felt so empty again, an emptiness that couldn’t be filled even if a thousand people showed up right now. The pizza got there just a couple of minutes after, and it was off to watching romcoms until the kleenex box was empty.

She woke up disoriented a while later. She had made her way through Mamma mia, and How to Lose a Guy in 10 days. Having tranced halfway through grease and waking up in the middle of 13 going 30. The scene of the candy playing as she finally got a hold of her surroundings. It wasn’t the movie or some internal factor that woke her up from her dreamless, sweet coma. It was her phone ringing.

With the little mobility she had in her state she paused the movie, picking the phone up without checking anything.

“HEyyyyyy”, the voice on the other side was almost invading. Before she could even check who was calling the voice came back. “You know I miss you”, the voice was ladackasdical, low and dragged, but it was Spencer.

She questioned her own sobriety eyeing the halfway empty bottle of mountain dew. 

“Spencer?”, her tone was puzzled. It was clearly Spencer, but she had never heard him like this.

“We broke up because I’m stupid, didn’t we?”, the question was barely formulated behind a hiccup. Fighting to speak into the receiver when so many things happened in the background.

It dawned on her, almost getting whiplash from the realization.

“Spence, are you drunk?”, she asked slowly.

No answer came, just a long dragged laugh. He was drunk, he was drunk and he was somewhere that wasn’t his home. He shouldn’t be drunk, worse yet, if he was drunk enough to call her and ramble he was drunk enough to not be outside.

“Spencer are you with me”, her stance changed in a flash. Running to the bedroom and changing herself in the first outfit she could find. Ending with a hoodie and a pair of leggings on.

“No”, he sadly chuckled into the receiver.

“Spence, answer me, are you with someone that you know?”

He took a minute, as if he was looking around.

“No”, he finally replied, with some confusion to his voice.

“Ok, you are doing great, are you in a bar or a nightclub?”, she said, putting her shoes as she walked out from her apartment.

He took another pause.

“I’m sitting in a stool”, he said, not enough of an answer, but enough for her to work with that.

“Do you see a bartender?”, she continued her questionnaire as she started her car.

“Yeah”

The way he dragged the last vowel made her stomach tightened. What the fuck was he thinking ending the time he had spent completely sober like that? She barely had an idea in her mind, but it was too painful to accept, and right now she didn’t have time to sulk. Spencer could get himself hurt, and that she would never forgive herself from.

“Okay love can you call him over?”

The name was a conscious decision, she had called him that a thousand times at least, and she was trying to keep him as grounded as possible. When she heard a whistle coming from the man she silently prayed that the bartender was nice enough to let it slide.

“HE’s here”, he chirped, way too loud into the phone.

“Okay, give him the phone”, she said, readying to start the trip.

“Hi”, a confused voice came in.

“Hi, yes My name is (y/n), and I think my friend is a little drunk right now so I am on my way to go get him, can you please tell me what’s his location?”

“Happily, he has not stopped talking”, he said in an exasperated tone, giving her the direction, it was a bar she recognized by name only. Once she thanked him the man talked again. 

“Give me your name and phone number”, he said.

She hesitated for a second.

“I am going to write your info on his arm, I can try and keep him here but can’t promise anything”, he said. That was smart. She recited her information at him, thanking him once the call was done.

She needed to get there as fast as possible, parking her car on a nearby lot. She apologized as she almost threw a bill to the guy working the entrance of the parking lot. It took her some convincing to let the bouncer let her in, the tall man eyeing her up and down on her less than appropriate outfit for the night out, therefore believing her story.

Her heart was racing, guilt eating away her stomach as she looked around, spotting the man who seemed to be talking with a couple.

“Spencer”, she said as soon as she found her. The couple walking away with one more grimace at the man.

“Hey! You are here”, he slurred, the weight of his head seemed to be too much as he almost fell forward into her arms.

She quickly got as good as a hold as she could of him.

“I am, I am, now we are leaving.”

“Hey! Good you are here”, the bartender, a good looking small lean man handed her the card Spencer had been using. “Look, he was pretty entertaining, so I won’t charge him for the broken glasses, but I don’t think he would be welcome back here, my workmate didn’t like his magic tricks as much.”, the man sent her a wink as he walked away, already busy with another customer.

She thanked him loud enough before the actual task of taking him out of the bar started. The problem was, the man was too tall for her. She maneuvered him to the outside of the place. Where, as soon as the cold night air hit him he bent over on himself.

“Hey”, she rushed to grab his hair back, but nothing was coming. “Are you okay?”, she soothed his back. “Let’s go Spence I’ll take you home”, she said when he finally stood back up, only partially as he was still angled to the side.

“I don’t want to go home”, he complained in a childlike manner.

“Spence, you cannot be out okay? Let me take you home”, she insisted.

That was a problem, Spencer was clearly still in a mobile state of drunk, if she were to take him to his house and leave he would just end up walking out and getting himself into real trouble.

“I’m not home”, he said shaking his head, an action he regretted by the look of his rolling eyes.

“What do you mean? Of course you are not home yet Spencer”, she complained, starting to feel only slightly irritated by the man.

“You took home”, he tried to explain, tripping on his words. “I don’t even sleep on my bed”, he made a sad laugh noise, one that shook the ground she was standing on. 

“Spence, I’m taking you to your home okay? I’m staying with you there and then tomorrow you and I will talk, how does that sound?”

To her it sounded like she was just singing on a deal in which she would get her heart shattered again. But it was enough to make him consider it.

“What if you leave”, he almost cried.

“I won’t, I won't, I promised, now, can we go?”She tried one more time.

Even if he still looked unsure at her promise he started letting himself be dragged to her car. Where she shoved him on the passenger seat. 

This was a problem, because there was the real possibility that Spencer would not remember anything by the next day, but she would. She would remember clearly the way her lungs were filled by his scent as she leaned into the car to fasten his seatbelt. It was a smell masked under the foreign smell of alcohol but it was still him. He would not remember how his hitched breath hitting the back of her neck as she fought with the buckle a little made her hair rise around the area. But she would, and the sensation would last for weeks.

Once she finished her task she climbed on the driver’s seat, running her hands through her face and hair she turned to see him. He had once again bended on himself. He wasn’t making any sounds, no retching sounds or sobbing sounds, so reaching a conclusion she understood this was his way of hiding his shame. Thing is, she was the one who would cry if he continued this, so in an act of mercy for both of them she reached over him again, This time with both hands and the hair tie she had around her wrist she gathered the greasy strands of curly brown hair and put them on a small ponytail. One that could barely stay put but would at least take care of the nest on his hair. She loved his hair. Her hands retracting quickly before they could remember the way her fingers always combed through it. 

The ride to his house was filled with silence, her eyes traveling to him every now and then to check that he hadn’t fallen asleep. He hadn’t.

Once they reached the place she cursed under her breath. The place lacking an elevator didn’t help her at all in the situation at hand.

“Are you staying?”, he asked, this time he sounded utterly sad, as his legs touched the ground out of the car.

“I am, Spence, I am”, she reassured him.

The promise this time seemed to work better, still with some work required but much easier they slowly climbed the stairs. Her hand fumbling on his pocket to fish the keys out.

It ached. The way that as soon as the doors opened she felt at home. It ached, the way the smell of leather bound books and nuts filled her lungs, or the way she recognized the place like the back of her hand. It looked messier but still as spotless as Spencer maintained it. The way her eyes traveled around and everything was in its rightful place, she was sure she could remember the order of the books on the shelves, even when she didn’t have an eidetic memory she could remember what every door had inside from memory. Like a place that a long time meant home, but once you go back it flows your memory. 

She was home.

They walked slowly to the bedroom, only stopping momentarily when she walked by the couch, noticing a couple of pillows and blankets neatly folded. As soon as the bedroom door opened she knew he had not lied. The bed was made in a way that she knew it hadn’t been used in a while. If it wasn’t because she couldn’t she would have run out in that moment at the unbearable picture.

“Spence, can you take your clothes off?”, she asked. Even when this was possibly a low for him the man was still dressed in his regular fashion. This time a burgundy vest over a black button up and black tie framed his body.

He nodded, eyeing the bed in clear discomfort.

Once he started doing what he was told she walked out, his eyes sadly following her. She looked back one more time, biting her lips to avoid the sob that was about to escape her. In that moment he looked terrified, like she would walk out of the bedroom and vanish forever. This was more of a reason to hurry. Knowing where everything was she got a glass of orange juice, a cold bottle of water and a bottle of paracetamol.

When she was back she found the man standing on the same spot, eyeing the bed in uncertainty.

“Spence, you want to sit on the bed for me?”

He jumped a little at her voice, surprised to see that she was still there. He nodded his head, his body sitting on the edge of the bed, now wearing nothing but his boxers.

She tried not to run her hands through his body, that was significantly thinner than what she had left. Which was a lot to say, giving that the man was always lean.

Offering the water bottle and a couple of tablets he accepted them. As she put the remaining items on his nightstand, being nice enough to fish out his belongings from his clothes, placing them too on the table she discarded the clothes on the hamper. She tried not to think too hard at the way she knew exactly what hamper was meant for dry cleaning and which one was meant for normal washer. 

“Okay, now lay down”, she said coming back. The man avoided her eyes at all cost, only letting his head fall on the pillows. 

She bent to help him get his feet on the bed. Quickly discarding the shoes, there was no way Spencer would ever put his shoes on the bed. 

There were no words that needed to be say. He was not in any condition to talk, and any words she would say would just bounce off the walls. So she stayed silent for a moment, before thinking of something else. She walked out, getting a small bucket that was normally meant for cleaning purposes and walking back to the bedroom.

“I’m sorry”, his voice was merely a whisper but loud enough to be heard.

“It’s okay Spence”, she said, as sweetly as she could before placing the bucket next to him.

“(y/n)”, he called.

“Yes?”, she asked, looking at the back of his head.

“Can you sleep with me?”, he asked.

The question made her eyes water, really water. Because she really wanted to, but was so scared of what her body might do as soon as they were in proximity. It could be the green on the wallpaper, or the way the room seemed so hers, that she striped down to the tanktop she was wearing under the pullover. With only that and her panties on she barely registered her thoughts as she climbed into bed, on the side that was hers a long time ago.

Up until this moment the whole night seemed and felt like she would be diving into a violent ocean. An ocean with waves as tall as buildings, that crashed against each other in a war of destruction, and when she finally climbed in bed she had jumped. She had submerged herself completely under water and it was beautiful. It was normal, it was so peaceful that nobody could guess that on the surface there was carnage. She was in too deep to know about it. She didn’t mean it, and he possibly didn’t mean it, but once they were facing each other their bodies gravitated together, trying to keep each other anchored to the bottom of this ocean. The bottom of the ocean where so many things were kept safe from the crashing waves. Her arm sneaking around his waist, her head resting on his chest, their legs knotting. Her clinging to his body for dear life, a way to keep herself from floating back up. His arms enveloping her, like a treasure chest that sunk to the bottom. Like she was the most precious of jewels and the world wasn’t deserving enough of her. A greedy way of the ocean to never give back what it had taken a long time ago. There, in the bottom with the sand and the secrets of a million years they both fell asleep, not by choice. More like drowning in each other until their organs filled with the water.

Much like the ocean after a storm, when she woke up there was calm, Even on the surface. There was calm. They hadn’t moved an inch, a victory of a battle won. This time though, when it was calm there was a clear loser. She moved herself away, the man next to her going limp against the mattress. She sighed, the drumming of her heart could be heard next to her ear. She took a look at the man, at the man she loved so much. Too much, she walked on her toes, looking at the time, ten AM, this was already way past the wake up time for both of them. 

If she thought everything was hurting yesterday the pain was insufferable, but she pushed through. She made his coffee, ignoring how she knew exactly how he liked his coffee, if she asked him to fix a cup for him right now he wouldn’t know the difference between hers and his. The way she knew exact measurements for the waffle batter also made her still. The fact that she was making breakfast for the man didn’t help at all. She knew he needed help, and she knew the conversation to follow was going to be the most painful she would have on her entire life. So she placed the batter on the fridge, imploring to walk in and see what she wanted to see.

She did, in the bed, Spencer was sleeping like nothing was happening. Against the best of the judgements she joined him. Climbing under the covers once more. Selfishly trying to cling to any memory she could that had happened on this very bed. His arms that had seemed to miss her quickly pulled her in. She sucked in breath, tears already running down her face as she hugged him.

A couple of minutes passed before his breath lost the rhythm it had followed over night. She tried to pull away, ashamed that he had found her like that on his arms, but she tightened his grip just slightly.

“I’m so sorry”, he said, his voice was hoarse behind his throat.

“Spencer-”

“No, (y/n), I am so sorry, I wish, I wish I had done things so differently.”

The real predicament was, what he was talking about exactly? Hoping she would get her way she spoke.

“Spencer… you need to contact your sponsor”, it was more a beg than a reminder, although she meant it to come out like the latter.

“I will, I will, today if possible I-”, he was cut off by his own brain, she knew that much.

“You’re going to be fine”, she assured him. He rested his head on top of hers as she hugged herself to him.

It was so right that it had to be wrong. The way their bodies fitted perfectly.

“I didn’t mean to, I got frustrated and I felt hopeless, and I wasn’t thinking”, he tried to explain.

She left it unsaid, but she was a little relieved he had taken to the drink instead of something else, something darker.

“Promise me you’ll find help?”, she whispered against his chest.

“I promise…”, he said.

They didn’t want to let go, they couldn’t let go.

“(y/n), I’m also sorry for what I did”, he continued.

That’s when she flinched, all the scars her body was carrying opening at once. Leaving her breathlessly bleeding out on the shore.

“Listen”, he said, separating himself just enough to meet her eyes. Both of their eyes were red behind the tears. Even then, when the only light coming was the sunlight behind the curtains, the green and brown of his eyes danced inside his irises. 

“I was the biggest asshole on earth, still am. But I love you so much, you are the reason I wake up every morning and even if you don’t want to be with me”, his words caught on his throat. “Even if you don’t want to be with me ever again I promise I will live the rest of my life to make it up to you, in any way I can until the day my body is buried on the ground.”

His words were daggers, daggers that she had allowed to stab her over and over again. 

She sobbed, as tears fell down her face and into the covers, it was the same for him. She knew what was going to happen if she didn’t stop it. His hand was trailing her jawline, and her hand had traveled to the side of the chest. It was a ticking time bomb at that point.

“Please don’t kiss me”

She begged, stopping the timer. There was understandment in his eyes, he knew she was asking for mercy. Instead, he grabbed her hand that laid on his body. Kissing the back of it and rubbing his thumb over the skin. Skin that had ignited instantly at his touch. 

The grieving was too much, but none of them could look away. Their eyes connected fighting for life. The words lacking in that moment.

It wasn’t until he actually moved that he flinched, closing his eyes forcefully. He was fully awake now, the previous night coming for revenge. 

“I let you some orange juice and pills on the nightstand”, she said.

He slowly and reluctantly sat on the bed.

“Easy”, she said, kneeling behind him as she helped his body steady.

He groaned as he reached for the items, quickly getting both on his system.

She felt so foreign right now, not being able to move even if her life depended on it. Until she did, her arms hugging the man from behind as her head rested on the top of his back. This could be her way of saying goodbye without saying it.

Please ask me to stay. A part of her cried.

“(y/n)”, he spoke again. She hummed against him, unable to let go just yet. “If you are going to leave, can you do me a favor?”

The question made her shiver. Whatever, is what she would do for him. Anything and everything he wanted.

“Can you leave when I’m not watching? Like wait until I get in the bathroom or when I turn around…”

She couldn’t explain the way she sucked in air between her teeths as the tears kept falling. She nodded, knowing that he would feel her.

She didn’t leave though, because it had been his way of asking her for mercy, asking her to stay. She had interpreted that way and she was correct. She stayed while he took his shower, and while he gulped his coffee. Held his hand as he called a friend of his to talk about what had happened. Stood by his side as he prepared lunch. It wasn’t until the early night that she definitely needed to leave, and even then she hugged him for a little too much before she walked out, when he had gone to the bedroom to grant her an exit. 

She loved him.

He loved her.

That should be enough, that would be enough.

She drove all the way home, numb from all that had happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Hey! I hope you guys enjoy this series, I am super proud of this one for some reason lol.
> 
> I want to apologize if anyone thinks I'm uploading too quick, just so you know when I get an idea I need to get it out of my brain to continue on the next one so I don't forget, and this is the way I write. I hope you guys are okay with the pacing Love ya'll


	6. Chapter 6

As far as the eye could see the place was covered in roses, the only free spaces were the walkways and the round tables that were scattered amongst the garden.

“You never told me you had a friend who worked in the natural science museum”, she chuckled in the form of a fake complaint.

“Well, I barely talk to him, but I had to cash out a favor”, The man said as they walked around for what felt like the tenth time.

It didn’t matter, the place was beautiful. A small space that on the weekdays served as a romantic cafe, and on weekend nights became a fairy tale dream. Fairy lights scattered around, shining against the millions of colors of the different flowers. ‘They have each and every one of the fifty state flowers, and then some more’ Spencer had explained. This wasn’t a weekend night though, so the place was completely empty, just them and the guards that stayed overnight but hadn’t been seen since they got there. Spencer had even brought their own food, surprising her with a picnic basket when he knocked on her door. 

For the last three months her and Spencer had had conversations, the kind that seemed to be paving a path for what was next.

“How many kids do you want”, she had asked. The first time she asked this was a short time into dating, the question back there was abstract, like a future that may or may not happen with her. Now the question had taken a form that heavily implied compromise.

“Two maybe three, it all depends on where I would be living I think”, he had replied. “Where would you like to form a family?”, he shot back. 

“I love DC, Although I know that city living and child raising is hard, there are good residential places around the city, close enough to the action”, she had said. “Would you leave your work when you become a dad in the future”, she had asked, possibly one of the heaviest questions.

“Yes”, he had said, with no hesitation. “As soon as kids enter my life I will leave the BAU and get a desk job, or maybe start somewhere else. There is no way I can go out on the field knowing I have a wife and kids at home”, he explained his thinking.

“I think I might like to continue working, maybe not for the FBI but there are a lot of places nowadays that need media liaisons.”, she had said to his unasked questions

The conversation didn’t happen overnight, it happened in the span of several weeks. They were taking any opportunity to bring up the topic of the future. Suddenly the picture started taking form, it was foggy at first but the more they talked the clearer it became. A house with a white picket fence, two baby geniuses running around. A dog and a cat maybe, a big yard in which they could sit outside sometimes. A house full of love for dancing, and nature and books. A house in which (y/n) and Spencer could grow old together, raising a family. Domesticity, well deserved mundane domesticity.

That was the implied meaning, a house for their family. The one they wanted to create. Of course the question was looming in the air, but tonight (y/n) didn’t think it would be the night. The team had been busy in cases, cases that took most of their weekends away from them. Making them drop plans on the spot so they could go save the world. Tonight wasn’t planned at all. They had gotten back from Seattle in the morning and slept the majority of the day. It was a Tuesday and they had finally gotten time off. Spencer called her asking her out on an impromptu date and she accepted. 

She was fixated on the way the rose bed surrounded a majestic flowering dogwood. When she turned around her heart stopped beating. Knelt there on the ground was Spencer with a velvet box on his hand.

“I have said this to you before, but I love the way your eyes shine when you see something beautiful. You have that gift, you see beauty in the things most people would see mundanity. You have shared that gift with me for the past three years, showing me the beauty that surrounds us, casting away the shadows around me. You have given me a reason to believe in love, so today, with the moon and these flowers around us as our witness I want to ask you to be my wife. I promise you I will take every day as a gift, and try and show you as much love as you have shown me. (y/n) (y/l/n), Will you marry me?”

By the time he was done she was crying, unable to form a word she just nodded, making the man on the ground smile widely as he slipped the ring on her finger. When he stood up he swept her off the floor and into his arms. Kissing her as she hooked her arms around his neck.

“Of course I’ll marry you Spence”, she cried into his mouth as he put her back down slowly, his hands staying on her waist. “I love you”

“I love you”, he had said.

They kissed for what seemed like forever, or what it truly was forever. Forever in that moment was just a minute, frozen in time as they kissed each other, their minds full of tomorrows, a future where they were a family, a real family. 

“You know this means you’ll have to deal with me living with you?”, she joked. 

They had also decided that they liked Spencer’s apartment better, but she had said that she wouldn’t move in with anyone until she was engaged.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way”, he smiled, uniting their lips once more.

The reason in her mind was that she didn’t want to have to pack again, she had done it in the past. Moving in with who she thought was the love of her life in college, just for him to cheat on her and leave her without a place to live in. She didn’t want that ever again, so she vowed to only move in once the relationship was serious enough. Back then she had her doubts that she ever would find something like that. As soon as she saw Spencer she had trusted them. She thought this was the guy she would move in with someday and never look back.

How wrong she had been.

This was her dream, a memory replaying like a film on the back of her brain every time she closed her eyes. She thought of how unfair life was, she wasn’t even the one with an eidetic memory. She also had the memory of Spencer kissing Cat on her brain, it made her wonder. If she loved the man enough to plan a future with him, why did the kiss bother her so much?

By now she had time to think about it. Spencer had been put in a difficult position, one in which as long as no back up came his life depended solely on his actions. He had to act the way she wanted him to act so that he could make it out alive, and she would be apprehended once again. (y/n) fully understood that, but then why did it bother her so much? What had she seen that day that made her drop everything she had built? What wounded her pride so deep to the point of no repair?

She tried to replay the events as they happened, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Right now she didn’t have time either. Her alarm which she had snoozed three times told her she was running on the nick of time. After a horrible weekend she hoped the week would treat her better.

It would be difficult, at least when she came back after the breakup there was a sense of recognition, It was a breakup. RIght now as she walked in she didn’t know how to feel when her peripheral caught the genius sitting on his desk. He looked fresh now, like nothing had happened. Were they going to talk about it? Were they going to ignore the way their skin tingled every time they made contact the previous day?

As always, as it was the case with the BAU, the world didn’t seem to care about their plans or their struggles. It took her forty minutes of going through requests to get out of her office and into the boss’s.

“There goes my week’s plans”, Luke sighed from where he was perched on Emily’s desk.

The woman followed his gaze. (y/n) and Hotch seemed to be having a very serious conversation behind the glass.

“I’m starting to think I should enlist Roxy on the BAU, that way she can come with me”, the joke was meant for Emily and Reid, who were the people closest to him.

Emily had chuckled, the man had ignored him completely. 

“Meeting room”, (y/n) announced leaning on the rail when she got out, and walking into the room quickly.

Hotch went to gather Rossi and Penelope before making his way in. The rest of the team took a couple of seconds, knowing they were most likely leaving and having to leave stuff in order.

Although she was the first one to enter she had to go back and forth and get everything ready. By the time she made her final entrance everyone was there.

“Why am I here, what’s happening?”Penelope asked in confusion, normally she was debriefed on the matter after the meeting.

The woman sighed before making her way to the front. “We are going to Sin city, where all of the sinning and none of the fun is happening”, she said. The language was definitely Garcia rubbing off on her. “I believe everyone here is familiar with ride sharing apps?”, she asked, getting nods from the group. “Has anyone heard of the app called ‘backseat buddies’?”, she asked again.

“Ew”, Emily said through a grimace.

“I know, not the greatest of names”, (y/n) agreed.

“Isn’t it like a carpool thing? Like you can only get in with two or more people?”, Derek was the one that replied.

“Yeah, I heard about that, it was removed”, Luke said.

“You are both right, The app was shut down after the founders refused to be held accountable. They claimed the passengers knew what they were signing for and they knew the risks. The app was very popular on the west coast because it sold on the idea of green sustainability, but as we all now know it isn’t the best idea to get in a car with strangers. The app was just a cesspool of mugging and inappropriate behavior so it shut down”, she finished quickly waving off the information. “That brings us to two weeks ago, when first known victim Alicia Blunt walked into a precinct claiming to be sexually assaulted by the driver of her backseat buddies ride”.

“When did the app shut down?”, Rossi asked in confusion.

“That is the thing, it shut down more than two months ago, but the app didn’t disinstall on the devices that already had it. It didn’t work but you could still open it and see past activity, the pd believes the GPS function might also work”, she continued. “After Alicia came out, other six women have come out saying they had the same experience. Including Leticia Young, who walked in Yesterday morning with the exact same story.”

“Seven known victims and we are just hearing about it?”, Spencer frowned.

“The victims were in a less than sober state, they had been out for the night. Police department waved it off as just a coincidence”, Hotch said, with a distinct annoyance to his voice.

“Coincidence?”, JJ said in an angry tone. “How could this be a coincidence?”

“Well, let’s just say we are not going to be dealing with a very open minded police captain this week. He said and I quote ‘anyone can make up a story to ruin someone else's life”

After she had said that the group audibly groaned.

“We are only invited because the first victim is threatening to sue if nothing gets done. Look, this is going to be a hard case, and our priority is to bring the victims some justice. Penelope we need you with us so you can help and see what actually happened and what role the app played in this”, Hotch said standing up “Wheels up in thirty”, he nodded before walking out.

There was a tension on the group as everyone started calling whoever they needed to call. In these situations, and since the trip was to Las Vegas, Spencer would normally call his mom. Tell her he’ll be in town and that there was a probability of them seeing each other. More often than not (y/n) was part of these outings. She and Diana had become really close, both of them sharing an undying love for the genius man.

When he didn’t get on the phone, and instead sat around looking absent she knew there was something wrong with him. Besides everything that was happening, there had to be something going on with his mom. Of course there was, after the weekend he might not be having a good time at all. So she waited around until the last of the group left, who was Garcia sending them both conspiratory glances but not wanting to make a comment.

“Spence”, she called his attention. “I put the blood exam results of all the victims in your folder, I know everyone here is brilliant but you are the one with the PhD on Chemistry, I thought you might be able to solve the puzzle”, she said with a smile. Only getting a tight smile and a nod from the man.

He looked up slowly as she walked closer, sitting on the table next to him. 

“Are you visiting your mom this week?”, she tried to give him a friendly smile but the men only furrowed his eyebrows slightly.

“I don’t think so”, he sighed.

“I know you haven’t seen her in a while”, she tried to dig, but not pressure him.

“I know, it’s just. Well I told her what happened, and she has been very worried” He cleared his throat. “For me.”, he finished. “After what happened this weekend I really don’t think I should put that on her”, he whispered, there was so much hurt on his voice.

All she could do is reach her hand and grab his, that was rested on the table.

“Look, I don’t know if this would be a good idea, but if you want I can go with you. When the case is over we can go visit her. I know she misses you all the time”, she said.

It was meant to be a friendly thing. Knowing Diana loved her, and knowing the man might feel comfortable with her there. Or at least she hoped she still had the privilege to be that person for the both of them.

“You really would do that?”, he asked, genuinely surprised.

“Of course”, she said softly.

“Thank you (y/n)”, he said with sincerity.

She nodded her head before walking out, not missing the glances from the group.

On the Jet she sat with Penelope and Derek, knowing the pair would not fail to make her laugh a couple of times on the long flight. The flight went smooth, time filled with some case conversation and some casual banter.

“When we get there we need to get straight to work. We cannot allow these women to feel failed by the system. Morgan and Dave, I want you to canvass the clubs and bars again. Anything that the police might have missed goes through me first. JJ and Prentiss, you will be going and interviewing the victims, It’s important that they feel heard. Garcia, and Alvez, you head to the Baskseat Buddie’s HQ, luckily the company is based in Vegas, we use that to our advantage.”

Penelope wanted to argue, probably would ask to be sent with Derek instead, but she knew that from their reputation their boss wouldn’t allow it. They weren’t unprofessional to the point of not doing their jobs, but giving the subject matter it was best not to prompt their banter.

“(y/n), You, Reid and I will head to the police station. We need to get geographical profiles as well as establish a relationship with the media. It’s a fact that more than eighty percent of victims of sexual assault never come foward, we don’t know how many woman might be out there who had suffered what our victims have suffered.”

When he finished everyone went back to work mode for the last hour of the flight.

The case wasn’t easy, no, it was the contrary of easy. They had gotten a vague profile on the man. But captain Withaker was the least helpful person ever, He had managed to get under everyone’s skin. Of course to the moment no one had snapped yet. Keeping it professional for the affected women. Four more had come out. With the same story. Brilliantly Garcia had shut the app down for good. It was clear that there were two unsubs, one which pretended to take the woman to the ride they didn’t ask for, and another one who drove. The women had been drugged through their drinks, and were almost unconscious while it happened. They were targeted based on their profiles on the app. 

The worst of the news, it was almost the weekend, which the unsub used to hunt. Without the app there was the possibility that things would take a turn for the worse.

It was Friday already, when (y/n) walked in with coffees for everyone. She had barely slept and she knew the team would be in the same state. She balanced one tray over a box of doughnuts and another one on her hand.

“Oh, this is why you are the best”, Emily said, quickly spotting her as she made her way in and helping her put the things on the table.

“Remind me to leave the same day you leave this team”, Rossi said, looking for his drink and grabbing it. 

She just sent them a smile as the team took their respective drinks.

“That one is mine”, Luke told Garcia, who looked offended at the idea she had taken his drink.

“No, this one is mine”, she said, in a defensive manner.

(y/n) learned to read the label. “Cinnamon only, no babe this one is his, yours has nutmeg as well as mocha and caramel.”, she said, fishing the woman and her drink and handing it to her.

She looked not thrilled at the idea of having the same taste as the man.

Ignoring the animosity between the two she took the tray with the remaining three drinks and walked to the two men around the map.

“Cream and sugar”, she handed the drink to the boss man, who gave her a thankful smile. “Blend with seventeen packets of sugar and hazelnut creamer.” She gave the drink to Spencer, who looked only slightly surprised.

“Hazelnut creamer?”, he asked. She only added flavored creamers to his when she knew he needed an extra sweetness.

“We all need it after this week”, she chuckled.

The room fell silent after that for a second.

“This doesn’t make sense”, Derek was the one who broke the silence. “Both of them are too careful, you would think at least one might be slipping but no. Not even in Family relationships do we see a bond like this”, he said.

“Wait a second”, (y/n) said looking at the board where all the information was.

“Could one of them have a mental illness?”, she asked.

“The one who is not participating in the sexual act?”, JJ tried to find logic.

“Actually, the one who is. Someone with Severe anxiety symptoms might fit the profile”, she said. “They might also have OCD which explains why this all is so well planned.”

“The other one is the caretaker”, Spencer said, as if the puzzle had been solved right in front of him. She nodded his way.

“Like a nurse?”, Alvez asked.

“That would explain it, one of them sees the other as their job, for them this is a professional matter.”

“Garcia, can you add this to the parameters and run it on the system”, Hotch asked the woman.

“Your command is my command”, she said as she started typing.

“Try from institutionalized individuals, to anyone who has been medically diagnosed but never took prescriptions”, Derek said.

It was at that moment that Officer Withaker entered the room, listening to the last part.

“Oh that is not going to narrow it down. This town is riddled with nutjobs, they are everywhere”

The comment wasn’t surprising coming from him. From the moment they had walked in he had antagonized (y/n) dismissing her job. Then he was clearly treating the women of the BAU a lot differently than the men. Even treating Luke and Derek with a certain hostility. The man was just a bag of assholeness tied in with a weird California accent.

“That is extremely disrespectful and wrong officer Whitaker”, it was (y/n) who snapped. “You are not only disregarding a whole population, but also insulting them and generalizing them”, she continued.

“Miss (y/l/n) with all the years I’ve worked as a cop…”

“Agent (y/l/n)”, she corrected her.

“With all the years I’ve worked as a cop I just call them like I see them”, he said.

“Well, that is a very alarming thing to hear from a person in your position”, she cut him off.

“I would like to remind you that you are in my precinct Miss (y/l/n)”, His voice was raising behind anger.

“Agent (y/l/n)”, this time it was Spencer who corrected him with a very stern voice.

“Oh my God”, Garcia said, cutting the tension. “We got it. Ryan Mcgraw and Ethan Roland they both fit the profile to a t”, she announced hurriedly.

“Address”, Morgan said.

“Sent already, they both work nights”, she explained.

“Give us the info while we are on our way”, Rossi said standing up.

Soon the room was preparing for the takedown. Everyone but Spencer, who stood there for a second, too nervous to leave the woman in the same place as the officer who they had just gotten in a verbal argument with. Aaron, who was reading the room, walked toward him. The room was loud enough for no one but the three of them to hear.

“I’m staying”, he announced.

Spencer was about to open his mouth,

“You know about mental illness enough to know how to deescalate the situation”, he explained.

(y/n) Couldn’t help but feel her heart drop, she took a step toward the man.

“I’ll be fine, just make sure you come back safe okay?”, she said. 

Spencer found the assurance on her eyes and nodded his head.

‘You come back safe to me’ she wanted to say.

Instead she watched as everyone took off.

“Hotch I’m sorry”, she said as soon as the only people in the room were the two of them and Garcia.

“Someone had to do it”, he said. “Let’s just hope we get the right people and we get out of here” he gave her a reassuring smile.

Thankfully the takedown went smoother than most of them seemed to go. When the group came back Spencer had already discussed with them that he would probably request to stay an extra day. No one seemed to dislike the idea of a Friday night in Vegas after a long week. Hotch had agreed while (y/n) finished the press conference and JJ and Emily talked to the victims.

It had been a good ending to a very bad week.

Which is why Diana had dismissed them so quickly, they had gotten to the place by three and before nine she was kicking them out. Asking them to go and enjoy their night, assuring that she was fine now that she had seen her son.

‘Thank you for still taking care of him’, she had whispered in (y/n)’s ear right as they left.

In the rental car things were quieter. No one wanted to admit it but the idea of using a car share app right now wasn’t appetizing, so they decided to rent instead.

“Are you tired?”, Spencer asked.

“Very”, she nodded her head with a yawn.

“(y/n)... Thank you for coming with me”, he timidly said.

“Spencer, I mean it when I say it, I’ll always be there for you okay?”, she said.

The man just nodded his head, with nothing else to say.

“Do you want to get In and Out? I know you love their burgers”, he asked.

Her eyes brightened at the idea, her stomach growling. “Yessss”, she dragged the s making him laugh as he got out of the freeway.

They ate silently in the car in the parking lot. Too many words to say but too little ways to say them.

“Cat was put on death row on Wednesday. She is set to be executed in two months”, he said.

The words sounded so casual to be having such a weight. She didn’t know what to do with this information. Of course she didn’t like to think about death as she ate the burger, and she didn’t want to feel happy for the woman’s faith. But she couldn’t help it. She just stayed quietly.

Spencer finished his burger, cleaning his hands with sanitizer and a napkin as he started the car again.

“I’m glad the families are getting closure”, he said.

She just hummed in agreement as she took the last bite of her burger.

She tried not to think about it, about what it meant. About how it made her feel. But she did, the whole ride and the whole time during the elevator. They seemed to be processing how the news were making them feel. Spencer observing the woman right next to him.

“It’s good that justice is being served”, she nodded before getting out.

“I agree”, Spencer said.

The words were so heavy they decided to drop them. She was walking a little on the front when she cut the corner. Her eyes grew wide as she stopped the man behind her. Her hand on his mouth and her body pressing his against the wall.

He was shocked, not knowing what to say. Not until he heard a soft moaning coming from the other side of the corner. Slowly she removed her hand, the man peeking to the other side. Perplexed by the scene.

Luke, pinning Penelope against a door while they kissed passionately.

Spencer looked down at (y/n) in a questioning manner. She shrugged, still speechless. They heard a door opening, some tumbling, and a door closing. 

After a second they almost ran to her own room, making as little noise as possible.

“Didn't they hate each other?”, Spencer loudly whispered once they were inside.

“I thought so!”, she did the same. ‘Wow…”

“Wow indeed”, he furrowed his eyebrows looking at the door. When he looked back it was back to that heavy feeling.

“So, I’m glad your mom is fine”, she mentioned.

It wasn’t until that moment she realized they were both in a hotel room alone.

“Yeah, she was really happy to see you”, he mentioned.

“I was happy to see her too, she’s awesome”, she smiled, with all the honesty in the world.

“She is, isn’t she?”, Spencer smiled proudly. He had always liked the way (y/n) not once treated his mother like less. Instead she respected her at all times, It was like for her visiting the woman didn’t happen in a mental health facility, but she didn’t ignore it either.

“You are lucky to have gotten that from her”, she joked.

Or tried to joke. Because she looked up at him while saying that, and she seemed serious. He looked down at her, their eyes connecting immediately.

It just happened, it didn’t feel wrong or odd. Their lips connected halfway. His hand cupping her face as her hands brought him down to her by the back of his neck. The kiss was so tender that anything could break it. 

And it did, because it was right there.

Right then when Spencer’s tongue started pushing inside her mouth, and her breath hitched. In that moment she realized something.

Needy, primal, animalistic. That is how Spencer had kissed Cat. He seemed to be pissed at her, at whatever he was feeling in that moment. He was having an internal battle with his brain.

Spencer sensed the way the woman on his hands tensed up, and separated just enough to catch a breath. 

“I’m sorry I-”, he was cut off by her lips on his again, a shorter kiss this time.

“Good night SPencer”, she whispered.

He wanted to argue, to fight for her. But she knew her too well, and it just didn’t seem like the moment. He hoped the moment would come before he lost her, as he walked out muttering a good night. Looking back several times.

She felt like she had just committed the worst of crimes. She had allowed herself to be put in that position, and she couldn’t lie and say she didn’t enjoy it. She layed on the bed, her fingers trailing her tangling lips.

She was fucked, still, there were tears in her eyes.

What did Cat Adams could give Spencer to make him act like that? And why did he never act like that with her in all this time? What did Miss .45 have that she didn’t?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning for this chapter.

“You know that this just seems like a recipe for disaster right?”, Rebbeca asked for the fourth time.

“Look, if we want to ever be friends again we have to be okay with sharing space outside of work”, I said, biting into the gigantic plate of french toast in front of me.

“Oh I think you are handling very well, having passionate make out sessions with your friend and everything”, she said in a mockery tone.

“It was just a kiss”, I complained.

“A mistake”, she scoffed. 

“Look, if we both go out tonight and just do friends stuff maybe we can end up leaving with new people, getting each other out of our systems”, I said.

“Or you’ll end up fucking him”, she said way too casually for a very crowded brunch restaurant. 

I choked on my mimosa, coughing into the fabric napkin.

“Don’t you dare tell me you haven’t thought about it”, she said very entertained by my flustering.

“We are trying to be friends again”, I said in a shushed voice.

“You are not answering my question”, she said melodically with her tongue poking out of her mouth.

“You can always tag along”, I invited.

Rebecca had been my roommate my first year of college and we had both stayed relatively close. When she had called me saying that she was coming to visit I knew I could pour my heart out with her. Yes, Pen was my best friend in the world, but she was too close to Spencer too. Besides, she hadn’t even mention anything about the night she and Luke spent together. So it was fair to be keeping secrets as long as she was doing the same.

“I would babe but I already got plans with my special friend”, she said with a devilish smile. I just shook my head chuckling at her expression as we continued.

If you don’t want me to go so you can enjoy your night you can tell me.

Is what Spencer’s text read. I wouldn’t do that, he deserved to have fun just as much as anyone else. Besides Penny had been so excited that the group was going out together again, as a whole. Of course mom and dad weren’t invited, not even when Rossi had rejected the non existent invitation saying he had a poker night. 

I chose to not reply, instead finishing my makeup. When I looked in the mirror I realized what a bad idea this seemed to be.

The outfit I had chosen didn’t seem like me. Well at least not a me that should be going to a bar where my ex fiance was going to be in. I had put on a spaghetti straw black dress, shorter than what I normally wore, and black knee high leather boots. I also put on a velvet choker and wore my hair up in a messy but put together style. It looked edgy, or at least I liked to think that it did. Without giving me time to reconsider I grabbed my leather jacket and my hand bag and left for the night. 

This definitely was a terrible idea, this was supposed to be a night out with coworkers/friends, as much as we always dressed up for such occasions part of me felt over dressed. Part of me definitely felt overexposed. It did not help that a guy had tried to hit on me before even entering the club. When I did though, I quickly spotted the group on one of the round booths, I made my way trying to avoid the forming crowd.

“(y/n)”, Pen said excitedly as she got up to hug me. I returned the hug complimenting her outfit.

“I look good? Babe you look hot as heck!”, she said.

“Wow babygirl”, Morgan said, coming back with two pitchers of beers. “I see you I see you”, he said with a whistle as I hugged him.

“How are you guys?”, I asked JJ and Will who were already sitting down.

“Glad we had a night out”, Will said with a smile.

“I bet”, I replied.

The conversation then shifted to the kids, Henry and Michael who I hadn’t seen in a long time. I made a note to myself to go see them soon. As will started an anecdote of work Emily and Luke walked in. We took a minute to greet them before they too joined in the conversation. I didn’t know how I was not the profiler there but was the only one who noticed how Luke and Penelope seemed to be texting each other for the first twenty minutes.

I chose to give them some privacy as we were now listening to Emily and one of her crazy stories.

“I’m sorry I’m late”, Spencer said as he stood next to the table. The group smiled up at him, standing up to hug him.

“Hi”, He said, sitting down. 

I just shot him a tight smile as I tried to ignore his eyes.

Damn you Becca for putting those unholy thoughts in my brain.

Sex with Spencer was, incredible. A ten out of ten. The man knew how to move, and had enough anatomical knowledge to get a girl screaming within seconds. He also had a surprising side to him. As shy and awkward as he seemed to the world those innocent eyes hid a very dominant personality. He was a very confident man in bed, and with good reason. 

Right now though? That knowledge needed to be out of my brain. The worst thing I could do right now was to sleep with him. We had kissed more than a week ago and not even mentioned it, both of us choosing to ignore it completely. 

We needed to talk, I knew that. Which was part of the reason why I couldn’t afford to think about what my mind was thinking.

For the sake of my own consciousness I decided that I wasn’t going to drink. I also had kept a close eye for Spencer, who sipped from his Arnold palmer casually. Between conversations, and pitchers being refilled by Morgan every five minutes the night flew by.

“Twenty bucks say he’s the first one to leave us tonight”, I said to Emily, who I had been observing Morgan with.

“Not fair, you cannot make bets you know you are going to win anyway”, she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

Not even three minutes later he proved me correct. 

“Well, you guys know that I love you, but I think I’m going”, he said, placing a hundred dollar bill on the table as he said his goodbyes, the girl who he had been happily dancing before waiting a couple of steps behind.

“Bye”, I said, waving my hand as he left.

“We promised we weren’t the first ones to leave and we were true to our word”, JJ said, starting to gather her things. 

“You are only off the hook because we love the boys”, Penelope said, hugging her and shaking Will’s hand.

Both of them leaving the place after their goodbyes.

I looked at the time, a little after midnight. It was okay to just leave right?

“Hey (y/n)”, Emily said, checking her phone. “A couple of friends of mine are going to the club, want to join?”, she asked.

“No, I think I’m done for the night, just going to finish my shirley temple and leave”, I said.

“C’mon you are not taking advantage of that outfit”, she said wiggling her eyebrows.

I couldn’t help but blush slightly at her words. Before I could reply she shook her head with a smile and turned to Penelope.

“You want to come? I know you love dancing!”, she said excitedly.

“Erm, well, I, I have a small headache”, she said.

Emily eyed her suspiciously before shruggin.

“Then I’m the old one here”, she playfully said as she got up. “Let me ask the boys, do any of you want to come with me to the club?”

Luke and Spencer both shook their heads.

“Alright then you boring people, good night I love you”, she said. With a smile as she walked out.

Yeah this was a mistake, because There were only four of us now, and Garcia and Alvez looked about ready to make an excuse to leave. Just as I was thinking of a good excuse to leave Penelope chirped in.

“I wasn’t kidding when I said I had a headache! I think my tolerance is not what it used to be”, she said.

“I can give you a ride if you want”, Luke said, too quick and too eagerly.

“That would be great, thank you newbie”, she said in a monotone voice.

It was me who needed to stand up for them to leave now.

“Bye guys”, I said, waiting for any of them to see my suspicious glances, the one that I was sending them to let them know they had been caught. They didn’t seem to notice, or care as they both hugged me and left.  
Bad Idea, the mixtape about this night. I thought as I sat down again.

“I know I’m not good with these things, but they are definitely leaving together right?”, SPencer asked when they had both left.

“Oh yeah”, I nodded my head.

“And Garcia doesn’t have a headache?”

“She barely had three beers, I’ve seen her do ten shots and then go dance for four more hours in ten inch heels”, I replied.

We both laughed at that. Once the laughter had died out it was back to awkward tension.

“So, the bartender has been eyeing you”, I mentioned.

Definitely awkward, definitely shouldn’t have said it. I realized too late though. 

Spencer turned to see the woman who was busy with other people right now. She had been eyeing him though, she had made a small joke about his drink choice and then even sent free wings to the table. 

When he looked back at me he nodded his head slowly. Pursing his lips as he drank from his drink.

“You look good tonight”, he said after a second.

“Thank you”, I replied with a small smile, trying to hide the blush on my face. “You do too!”

Spencer shook his head looking down at himself.

He had been wearing something he would wear to work anyday. A white buttoned up with a black tie and his red sweater.

“You do”, I said, again regretting the words as they came out.

“I think you are just used to seeing me wearing this”, he said. “I had a woman ask me if I was an undercover cop while at the bar”, he said.

I laughed at that, and so did he after a second.

“Erm, I think I’m heading out do you want a ride home?”, he asked, after the laughter had died out and before the awkwardness settled in.

No, don't say yes.

“Yes”, I said. “That would be great, thank you Spence”, I said.

Every step out of the bar and to the parking lot seemed like a bad idea, a terrible idea.

But he looked so cute, His hair had clearly been cut today, it was still long but it looked fresh. He knew how much I loved his long hair. I had seen his shoulder length hair and almost begged him to let it grow out. He refused to say that it was too hard to keep it nice. So instead he compromised, not cutting it short leaving it long enough like I liked it. I might have been too distracted by him to notice that when we got to the car he was going to open my door, so when he reached for the handle so did I. We stood there, Like our brains didn’t know what to do but our bodies did. Our bodies knew each other so well they could blindly walk to meet the other. 

When he leaned down I was ready to meet his lips. Unlike the last time this happened now this kiss seemed to be more frantic. I placed my hand on his hair. Pulling the curls by the root, he used his hands to bring me closer to him by placing them behind my back.

Of all the bad ideas of the night, what I said next seemed like the worst of them.

“Let’s go to your place”, I whispered in his lips.

His eyes grew wide at the proposition, but he seemed to have made his mind in a second. He opened the door, waiting for me to get in before he walked around to climb in the car.

Twenty three minutes, I had twenty three minutes to stop it. Twenty three minutes from the bar to his apartment. But I didn’t and when the anxiety peaked he decided to put his hand on my uncovered thigh. Positively emptying my brains of any last drop of a rational thought.

We stayed silent, and I should have known. I should have known from the way that one of his neighbors seemed slightly alarmed to see us walk up at those hours of the night, that this wasn’t a good idea. To that guy it had seemed like his nice neighbor was bringing a hooker back to his place.

No not a hooker, I wanted to tell him. Hookers are actually really smart, they need to be, and I am doing something very stupid.

It took Spencer longer to open his door and walk in than for us to be kissing again.

“You look so hot”, he said on my lips as his hands took my jacket off. 

I replied in the form of a moan as he bit my bottom lip, pulling it slightly. My hands are taking his cardigan off now.

“Tell me you want this”, he said, as he pulled me further into his apartments. 

“I want this”, I replied, letting my head fall back as his kisses started trailing down my neck.

“Tell me what you want”, he asked again. It was just him making sure he and I knew what we were doing, but in a very me moment of no thought I replied.

“I want to be everything you need”, I said clear as day.

It was instant, his lips stopped on my neck, his body frozen holding mine.

“What did you say?”, he asked in some form of confusion.

“I want to be everything you need Spencer”, I said again.

I did want that, I wanted to be everything he needed me to be, anything he needed me to be so he would not run to anyone else. I wanted to be any me he wanted me to be so he could forget about Cat Adams.

When his eyes met mine I should have recognized what I saw in them, but I didn’t. Or I did but chose to ignore it. 

Anger.

That’s what it was. I wanted to say something, but forgot as quickly as his lips were on mine. This time he didn't even let me reciprocate. He was taking anything he wanted from me, stealing my breath as he devoured my lips. All I could do is retain the moans that were caught on my throat.

When he started walking forward I realized we weren’t going to the bedroom, no, he was pushing me towards his desk. When we finally made it he didn’t stop. The back of my thighs bit against the wood as he only granted me some mercy by helping me sit on the edge.

Yeah, Spencer liked to take the lead in bed, but in three years of relationship I had never felt him like this. When his lips traveled to my neck again this time they weren’t kisses, there were sucks and bites as he prompted several moans from me. There wasn’t any way I was moving, my body was just on the edge and my hands were keeping me on the desk, preventing me from falling off. I was quite literally at his mercy.

He stopped his kisses when he got to the end of my cleavage, when I thought he would undo the dress that had a very convenient zipper on the back, he instead crouched, in one smooth motion pulling the dress up and pulling my panties down. The sight sent shivers down my spine but before I could react he ran two fingers through my middle, gathering the juices that had built in the past minute. When he straightened in front of me one of his hands came to my jaw. His fingers applied force as he opened my mouth. As soon as it did he shoved his two fingers inside. The salty taste of myself overwhelming me, it was so fucking wrong. It was wrong how I sucked on his fingers, making him smile. A very very scary smile, he removed the fingers almost violently when I tried to play with my tongue. Instead his mouth met mine. His tongue on mine as he tried to taste me through me. 

Without taking his mouth away he shoved those two fingers inside me, making me scream on his lips as he cruelly curled them inside. 

“C’mon darling you can be so much louder for me”, he said. His other hand was now coming to my hair. Pulling it back, my head looking at the ceiling as he attacked my neck.

“Spencer”, I whimpered, my eyes rolling back at his merciless actions. His lips now sucking on my pulse as his fingers pumped in and out of me.

When his fingers came out of me I imagined it was to free himself, and I was not wrong from the sound of a zipper.

“Have you been with anyone?”, he asked, almost angry. 

I shook my head still panting from his actions. He didn’t like that. Hooking two fingers under my choker he pulled me to meet his face.

“Have you been with anyone since we broke up?”, he almost growled.

“No”, I swallowed hard.

“Good”, was the last thing he said.

Pushing me further into the desk he knelt in one knee. Again, giving me no reaction time his face was buried between my legs. His tongue toying with my clit as I moaned loudly now. Loud enough for the neighbors to be alerted. 

I was almost on the brink, overwhelmed by the way he alternated between suckinng on the nub and playing with his with the tip of his tongue. I was too into it to notice the way his hands were separating my thighs, his fingers digging on the skin waking bruises on their way. When my legs started wanting to pull together he came back up. Making his way up from my breasts to my mouth.  
This time my hands planted on the back of his head as we kissed. His hand traveling down to line himself up with my entrance. When he breached it felt like the first time, like he could tear me apart with his dick. We both groaned as he hit the deepest part of me. He didn’t move for a second.

“You feel so fucking tight”, he whispered in my ear, my walls tightening in response. That made him moan out loud. “Fuck”, he said as he started moving.

At first it seemed like he would have a slow pace, but I was wrong. By the second he started gaining speed as well as force. The table making a horrible sound as it dragged ever so slightly against the wood, my uncovered butt brushing violently against the top. One of his hands he used to pull my head back as he kissed me wherever he wanted, my mouth probably red and swollen and not an inch of my neck not covered by him. 

My eyes rolled to the back of my head as he hit my cervix every time without missing. His other hand that had previously been on the desk, traveled between us to my clit. He used the tip of his fingers to rub harsh circles. 

Mewls and cries and swear words came out of my mouth as my nails dug on his covered back. I was almost sure the shirt would be ruined by the end of the night. I felt lightheaded as my orgasm approached.

“Come in my cock, come in my cock like you want to”, he said. 

It was like an order for my body. Without a second thought I spiraled down into the bliss of my orgasm. My walls tightening around him as my legs shook uncontrollably.

Spencer didn’t stop, not for a second. If anything once he removed his hand it was like he somehow had gained strength. He knew how flexible I could be, so without a thought or any warning he took one of my legs and brought it up, letting my feet rest on the desk as he pounded inside me. With his body he pushed mine so that he was bent over the desk, and I was not yet laying, but in the air. He literally had me in his hands. One of which came back to my hair, this time pulling with more force. Demanding me to look at him. My body overstimulated could only muster some movement. He knew that.

I felt twitching inside of me, as he forced me to look down to were our bodies were joining. His dick, that was previously covered on my juices, came out with his own semen. The image was enough for me to have a second orgasm. This time twice as hard as my body demanded to milk him out. He groaned loudly, smacking a couple more times. Without letting go of my hair he made me look at him.

“You are already everything I want”, he said, between groans and moans. His mouth trapped mine one more time before he came to a stop.  
Slowly he put his hands on my back making me sit. Exiting my body completely he hugged me.

This had been the first time we had done anything like that. It wasn’t like we never got rough, but this was completely and extremely different.

Right now he seemed unable to let me go, and I didn’t want to either. His last words replayed in my mind as I hugged him by the neck. I felt so tired, not only from what had just happened, I felt tired of trying to live my life without him. We were still panting, coming down from the bliss. I didn’t want to though, because I was still letting my body calm down when my brain was working extra hard to let me know how wrong this had been.

As if he could vanish into thin air if I let him go my arms weakly pulled him closer to me. He did the same.

It seemed like one of us would vanish as soon as we let go. We just hadn’t decided who.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I am not the best at writing smut but I think I needed to write this one because the feelings are important for the next chapter. Next chapter will be following the events of this one.


	8. Chapter 8

If you were engaged with the person, and loved them with all your heart it still counts as a one night stand right? 

It was all she could think as Spencer ran his hands through her back.

“Can you stand up?”, he asked, in a much softer voice than what he had been using.

She nodded her head, dedicated to leaving the apartment with as much dignity as she could.

When he separated, just enough to let her stand but not enough for her to walk away, she stood up, her knees bending and her legs shaking, unable to give one step in the heels she was wearing.

“Easy”, he shushed, helping her sit down, without hesitation he knelt in front of her and unzipped the boots, putting them on the side.

“Try now”, he said.

This time when she stood up her legs were shaking but she could walk.

“Go use the guest toilet”, he said, in the form of a command as he stepped away.

She couldn’t even bring herself up to look at him in the eyes. She did need to use the toilet, if anything to make an escape plan. She had gotten herself in this, now she needed to get out. The plan right now was to get out fast enough before Spencer could say anything to her, before he could break her heart. After using the toilet, cleaning herself as well as she could with flushable wipes, she stood in front of the mirror.

There were bruises covering the entirety of her neck, in her jaw there was a distinct oval mark where his thumb had pressed hard enough to leave a purple mark. Dark red dots were on her thighs, each one the ghost of his fingers. Yeah, of course it wasn’t the first time she got a hickey, in fact she bruised easily, but these seem like markings. Like he was trying extra hard to mark her for the world to see. 

The part that actually stopped her heart was that she liked it. She liked the way the bruises were spots where his mouth was, and the evidence where he had been. It was the way he had claimed her and granted no mercy.

But it was over now, and as she washed the ruined makeup away she was thinking of a map of the apartment, the best way to gather the items she had left around without feeling humiliated. She took a deep breath, like she was about to run a marathon. Right as she opened, Spencer was waiting on the other side about to knock.

“Sorry, I was getting worried”, he said, looking slightly away. “I fixed you a warm bath”, he continued.

He… He did what?

“Spencer you don’t have to-”

She started, wanting to tell him that he didn’t have to feel obligated to give her anything, that it was okay. That she had planned on gathering the broken pieces and walking away for good this time.

“The warm water’s going to help you feel less sore, you need it. I will wash your clothes while you do that”, he said.

The tone on his voice was sweet, one might not recognize this man and the one he had been before.

“Spence-”

He interrupted again.

“We are going to talk (y/n), whether you want to or not. I will not let you walk out of here without talking about how we feel, not again, not after what we did”, he said. There was some uncertainty in his voice when he spoke. “I know if I let you walk out it’s going to be it, and what we feel will end buried in our brains”

“What we feel about…?”

“That I love you”, he said like it was the only thing he was sure of in the world. “That I don’t want to lose you and that I don’t want to be friends, and that we clearly can’t be just friends.”

He seemed frustrated almost, but she knew he was right to feel that way. They clearly couldn’t just be friends, the whole night had been just one big excuse to be together again. They were both sober and completely aware, they couldn’t just blame it on the night. 

“Okay”, she nodded her head.

“Leave your clothes on the bedroom, I will be checking on you a bit”, he gave her the heads up before walking away.

There was a faint smell of chemicals in the air, which meant he had definitely cleaned the desk.

Spencer was right, they couldn’t just show to the office on Monday and pretend like nothing had happened. She walked in the bedroom, still unsure of what she was going to say.

How could she tell her she was jealous of Cat? That she wanted to make him feel whatever the woman had made him feel for him to kiss her like that? How could she say out loud that if what Spencer needed was Cat Adams she would be the closest thing to it because she wanted him to love her. 

On the other hand she had been so wrong, blaming all of this on the woman. Spencer hadn’t cheated, not really. He was doing what he felt necessary in the situation, why then did she feel so betrayed?

All those thoughts raised to her head when she sat on the edge of the bed. It wasn’t until her palm was against the bedding that she realized, this was the same quilt Spencer and her had bought when they moved in together. He had told her to make as many chances as she’d like, telling her time and again that this was their apartment, and that he was willing to change anything for her. She loved the place like it was though, and only changed a couple of things. One of them was the bedspread, she had seen it in the store and liked it. It was silly, but her and Spencer had spent so much time under those covers holding each other. It had become one of those things that have a greater value than just the price. It was part of them, of their relationship. It made the bed feel theirs.

He had kept it, as she wondered if he felt the same by the fabric. She wondered if he saw what she saw, or if he only saw a mundane object. That’s when she noticed a picture frame peeking from under the pillow, she pulled it, careful as if it was a rose petal. It was a picture of her smiling widely as Spencer kissed her cheek. When she took it he immediately loved it, he didn’t like pictures of him, but it wasn't the subject of the picture. It was her and the pure happiness she radiated when he kissed her.

She shrugged the dress and her underwear, leaving it in a neat pile on the floor. She walked in the bathroom hopping on the tub almost immediately. The water was warm and it soothed her already cold skin. She let herself close her eyes, for a moment forgetting that this wasn’t her house, not anymore.

Why couldn’t it be happily ever after? Had she ruined it? Had she read beyond what there was and ruined the chances with the only man that she truly loved?

She didn’t let her head wander too far, as it was the case lately. Everytime her brain had the freedom of thinking it went to the same place, her standing there watching her home collide, standing on the shattered pieces that were once whole and that she didn’t know if they could ever become whole again.

Her brain, for once making a rational thought, when something breaks, you just don’t leave it on the ground, you pick it up and see if you can fix it. She could fix this right? She could fix herself to the thing that once was.

As determined as she was when she walked in the apartment, she got out of the bathtub, noticing a pair of folded clothes over the sink, Spencer must have walked in. Which made her wonder just how long she had been in. She noticed her wrinkled fingertips as she put on the clothes. 

An old extra sized shirt of his, and a pair of boxers. Well, at least if we are logical Spencer wouldn’t kick her out dressed like that, he would at least wait until her clothes were dry right?

When she got out he was waiting perched on the side of the bed, his eyes looking her up and down.

“If you want we can talk in the living room”, he mumbled.

It wasn’t until then that she looked at him. His eyes were puffy behind his glasses, she figured he had gotten rid of his contacts while she was in there. He was also wearing sweats and a plain white shirt now. He still wore socks, a pink one and a lime green one, she thought about how that had been a trait of his that had rubbed on her. 

“It’s okay, we can talk here”, she said. 

She sat in front of him, when she did he handed her a bottle of cold water and a chocolate bar. He talked when she looked at it suspiciously.

“There’s an amino acid in chocolate that helps the brain make serotonin, it also helps with blood flow.”, he explained.

“Thank you”, she said, accepting the gifts and opening them. She probably would need the serotonin after all, because from Spencer’s face they weren’t getting any from this conversation.

“I know that I wasn’t the best boyfriend in our last months together, and you deserve someone who is always the best. I know I fucked up, but I am willing and I am determined to do whatever I can to get you back. We cannot just be friends, (y/n) I don’t want to live like that. So, I want you to be honest with me, and if I don’t have any more chances with you I will be leaving the team.” He said, reciting the words like he had memorized them, he probably did.

“Will you be honest with me?”, she asked, in a low voice that barely registered.

“I will”, he said sure to his words with a nod.

“What does Cat see in you? What does she see in you that you know she sees”, she asked the question praying that it’ll make sense.

“When I first met Cat I.. I was on a low. Everything in my life seemed to be going nowhere, and I didn’t know what to do. I had just come back from visiting my mom, and we feared she would get another diagnosis. I was so scared, of everything, of myself. I felt like my whole identity was vanishing into thin air and then I met her”, he said.

The words hurt her, but she pushed through, following his eyes until they were back on hers.

“She read through me like she knew me.”, the words seem a surprise even for him right now. “It felt like she had known me for longer than she had, but for me, she was a mystery. Yeah we had all the research and all the profiles but she just, she was such a… person. You know how sometimes it feels like we are hunting monsters, and although we always have to remember they are actual people, Cat just was…” he said.

“What do you mean she knew you? How could she know you?”, she asked, behind a sob she was trying to keep on her throat.

“She told me it was because we are the same…”, he said, his eyebrows furrowed at the words. “I think I have lived in fear of my brain for so long that just seemed like an explanation. She knew because she and I were similar…”

“Spencer, you are not like her”, she said, taking his hand on hers. He was very surprised at the action. “Look, no matter what you do, you are a good person”, she said. It was true, as angry and broken as she was she couldn’t let the man think he was a bad person, like Cat was.

“I met you shortly after that, and you… you brought so much light to my life, immediately, the day I met you. You walked into my life claiming the place like you own it, and you did, even back then. You are fierce and independent and you fight for what you believe, but you still see so much beauty and innocence in everything. When you called me adorable that first day I was dumbfounded, I saw myself as broken pieces and you still called me adorable”, he said. 

He squeezed her hand, making the tear fall from her eyes.

“When we received the call of the prison break, we were about to have dinner, we were going to discuss a wedding date”, she said. Her voice shook as she tried not to remember. He nodded his head. “Why did you ask me to stop the plans when you heard she was one of the people who escaped?”Suddenly she found her anger as she continued. “Why did you stop touching me all of the sudden, and stopped sleeping in bed with me? Why did you avoid me so much? Why was it that when she walked back in you seemed to stop loving me?”, she demanded, her tears falling from her eyes.

His head jerked up at the last question, “I never stopped loving you, ever”, he said.

She tried to look away, the tears not ceasing, but he guided her face to see him as delicately as he could.

“I never stopped loving you, and never will. You are the only one (y/n), my heart belongs to you, I belong to you, and that is never going to change.”

“Then why…”, she sniffled, unable to finish the question.

“I didn’t want you to see that part of me. I wanted you to see the part of me that thought it deserved you.”, he confessed.

His words sounded like the truth, and they were. Still she felt unsure as for the millionth time they stayed quiet.

“What I saw when you kissed her, were feelings Spencer. I need you to tell me, do you feel anything for her?”She asked.

She was ready for the answer, shielding herself even before he said it.

“No, but I was feeling something at that moment.”, he said. The tears pooling in his eyes.

“What was it…?”, she asked.

“(y/n)...”

“What was it Spencer?”

“I felt enraged, defeated. Part of me knew that she always did everything with a meaning, and I knew that she was going to prove herself right. She wanted to let me know that she was right. All I wanted in that moment was to choke the life out of her, I wanted her to die in my hands.” there was so much frustration in his voice, clearly catching him off guard. “I guess she was right.”, he whispered, his hand that had previously been motioning fell on his lap.

The words came to her as a bucket of iced water. Spencer wasn’t the kind of person to say those things, but he was saying them, and they sounded real.

For a moment the woman questioned if that is what she saw, maybe that would explain why she left. But she knew it wasn’t.

“You didn’t act on it”

“Maybe I didn’t have time.”

“You wouldn’t have”, she said, almost comfortingly. “You know why I left Spencer?”, she asked.

He shook his head.

“Because, from the moment that I met you, I had this perfect idea of you. This wasn’t your fault though, it was mine. I painted myself this picture perfect version of yourself and I wasn’t going to taint it.”, she confessed, although she had reached that conclusion just a couple of minutes ago. “I’ve had so many heartbreaks in my life I thought I could maybe protect myself from this one, from the one I actually care about”

“Why did you say that earlier?”, he asked.

She was confused by the question, there were many things that were said.

“Why did you say you wanted to be everything I needed?”

“Because when I saw this other part of you I wanted to be what this new you needed.”

“You are, you are everything I need. You are everything I want and more.”

“But you still hid a part of yourself to me”, she noted.

“I thought by doing so I would protect you. I tried to give you the good parts of me, and hide all the wrongs…”

“But you shouldn’t have”

“I know that now, I shouldn’t have hid anything from you, you don’t deserve that.” he said, looking away.

She had made her mind, not right now, but years ago. She had made her mind. Spencer was right, sometimes people were more complex than what they liked to believe. She knew, even back then, that by opening her life to him she would find a complete person, a person with ghosts and luggage and wrongs, but it was still the person she loved. She put the chocolate she had been nibbing aside, and the water bottle rolled off the bed as she climbed in his lap, one leg on each side, pinning the man against the mattress as he looked slightly terrified.

“You shouldn’t have because I would have loved you anyway”, she sobbed, her head tilted as she said the words.

“(y/n)”

She cut him off with her lips on his.

“I believe you are a good person Spencer… Not only because you have shown me this, but because I choose to believe this.”

In his eyes there was only adoration when she pulled her down for a kiss. A tender kiss full of love and happiness, at least for right now it seemed like it. Their anger and fear washing away with the tears.

“(y/n)...”, her name sounded like a prayer on his mouth.

“There are other things we need to work out Spencer”, she said, separating a little, her fingers brushing against his lips.

“Anything…”, he said, his eyes inspecting his face.

“It’s going to take time…”

“We’ll take all the time you need, all of it”, he said, cupping her face with his hand as his other arm balanced him on the bed.

“Even when we don’t like what might come out of it?”

“Even then”, he confirmed with a nod.

“There’s another thing”, she said.

He held his breath, looking at her expectantly.

“Can we… not tell anyone just yet?”

The break in her voice shattered his heart, but he nodded his head. Sitting straight once again and hugging her to him.

They were both tired, physically and mentally. He thought how she felt so light on his arms, like it was there that she belonged. Like his arms were made specifically for holding her and everything else he had held before was just dead weight. After a moment he moved on the bed. Finding a position with his head on the pillows as he dragged her with him. His arms wrapping her so that she wouldn’t leave. 

“I’m sorry, about tonight”, he whispered, his thumb trailing her jawline where a couple of bruises had formed. It was his way of letting her know exactly what part of the night he was sorry for.

She didn’t know what to respond to. It was not the time or place to tell him that a part of her had liked it, or that at the very least she didn’t mind it.

“I’m not”, she replied.

In no time the two of them were drifting. Slowly losing consciousness in the place that felt like home right now. She was the first one to go, her breathing rhythmic as soft snores left her mouth.

He took a little longer, watching her sleep as he thought about how much he was willing to do to gain her trust back.

For tonight though, they both found peace on the fact that they had found each other again .


	9. Chapter 9

Let’s not tell anyone yet, that was the agreement.

Yes, the BAU was a family to both of them, but right now everything seemed too fragile to materialize.

Although Sunday seemed like a dream locked in both of their memories the next day was awkward, to say the least.

“Hey”, Penelope said cheery as she entered the office of (y/n). 

It was almost the end of the day, they had done their best to not give the team any clues about the status of their relationship. This was accomplished mainly by having (y/n) stay in her office all day, during lunch when no one was in the bullpen he had given her a quick visit just to check on her. Other than that nothing would tell anyone what was happening.

“Hi baby girl”, she joked, not looking up from the file she had in front of her.

“So, erm, how was your saturday?”, Penelope asked.

The unsure tone in her voice made the liaison look up.

“It was good”, she said, looking for any sign that her best friend knew what happened, or any of the things that happened.

“Look (y/n)”, Penelope said, taking the seat on the desk. “I know I was the first one to push you to talk to Reid and to give him another chance, but if that is not what you want then I want you to know I support you. I feel like I haven’t been the best of friends but I promise you I am here for you forever and ever and ev-”

“Pen”, (y/n) chuckled, reaching her hand to grab her friend’s that were flying around. “I am okay, I promise, I don’t think you’ve been a terrible friend.”

“I know, but I feel like I wasn’t thinking about your happiness, what you want”, she said.

There was some stinging, a feeling of guilt for the secret she was hiding, but then she remembered that the other woman held a secret from her as well.

“I’m fine, really. But tell me, how was your Saturday?”, she asked.

The other woman tensed slightly.

“Good, it was good, it was unexciting, and uneventful”, she said way too fast.

She knew what was happening of course, but she also knew that the other woman was not ready to say anything, if she did she would have said something already.

“Well, your unexciting weekend will morph into a slightly more exciting week”, she said, dangling the file in between the two of them.

“Case?”, she asked with a scowl.

“Oh yeah, case”, she nodded.

As always Aaron and her were the last ones to enter the meeting room to present the case.

“If you woke up and thought, what would make this beautiful day better? A trip to Alaska, then all your wishes will come true”, she joked.

“Alaska?”, Luke almost yelped.

“Alaska”, she confirmed. 

“More accurately Sitka Alaska, where for the past couple of weeks three different men have been killed in their own bed.”, Aaron said.

“Any connections?”, Derek asked.

“Yeah, actually all three of them were single men between the ages of 25-28, two of them were actually not locals but moved there for work”, she said.

“How are they being killed?”, Emily asked, trying to read the file as they went.

“Shotgun wounds to the head, all of them also have litigation marks, but they are not fresh.”, She continued

“So they are not made by the unsub?” JJ asked

“Well, we cannot rule that out, three out of three doesn’t seem like a coincidence”, Rossi added.

“Any sign of sexual assault?”, Spencer asked.

“Erm well, no not the… not the front kind”, she tried to explain awkwardly. “Or actually, we don’t have a way to know beca-”

“OH MY GOD”, Luke exclaimed loudly.

“He chops the penises off?”, Emily asked reading the page Luke was on.

“Yup”, she nodded.

“Have they found the penises?”, Derek asked.

“Nope”, she said.

The group commotionly looked at the case file showing the picture of the men, they needed all the details.

“Guys”, Hotch said in an attempt to stop the agitation. “This killer seems to be taking one week cooling down periods, we were not called because the population there is low, and local police thought they could handle it, but with the third victim and tourist season approaching they are afraid of what may happen.”

“Sitka is one of the most populated city-boroughs in Alaska, but their population is still low, less than nine thousand people”, Spencer said.

“Do they have any suspects?”, Derek asked.

“The city is known for having a tight community of ex cons who were trying to find a better place, but the sheriff says they all appear to be off the hook, still we need to examine everyone”, Aaron said.

Everyone nodded in agreement, already knowing the protocol in small towns like this.

“We have no clearance to fly tonight due to weather, we are leaving tomorrow at five am, everyone go home and have a good night’s rest. We’ll meet in the airstrip”, Aaron said, standing up as he took his files with him.

A couple of yes sirs were muttered, as everyone started chit chat when they stood up and left the room. 

(y/n) collected all of the remaining case information that laid around the table before she left the room and walked into her office. It didn’t take longer than half an hour for everyone to start leaving, knowing how a long trip like this could get their defenses down, and it was probably for the best to get the sleep hours in.

Spencer, who had been observant of everyone leaving, walked into the liaison’s office as soon as the last person, who happened to be Rossi and not Hotchner for once, left.

The door was opened, so he used his knuckles to let his presence know.  
She was putting files away and jumped a little at the sound. Turning around with her hand in her heart. A smile planted on her face when she saw the man.

“Oh God… you scared me”, she chuckled regaining her breath.

A playful smile appeared on his own face, “Sorry”, he said.

“Sure you are”, she giggled. 

“I just wanted to know if… Erm well perhaps you wanted to…”

She knew him too well, this game of guessing came very easy to her already. She had thought about what he was going to say before he walked in, still she let him finish, or at least give her an in before she speculated.

“My apartment is closer, maybe you can…”

There was a sad smile on her face for a second, she remembered this Spencer. The awkward, not confident in himself Spencer who was scared of making a move because people who make moves and take risks end up with a broken heart.

“Yes”, she replied a little too eager. “We can go through my place and get some clothes, my go bag right now is not very Alaska friendly”, she joked.

He nodded with a smile. 

“We can also pick some food up on the way to yours, I’m starving”, she said, getting her bag before walking out.

The man had already been ready to leave when he knocked. She didn’t want to think that maybe it was because in case she had said no he would have escaped as quickly as he could. She wondered how long it would be before he and her could go back to what was before, or if it was even possible.

Still, she chose to focus on the now, and so did he. The conversation seemed to flow naturally as they both made the drive back into the city.

“This is a nice place”, He said, stepping into her apartment.

“Thank you”, she mumbled as she raked her closet for the warmest clothes she had. The apartment was very comfortable, but it wasn’t a home, and it was clear by the boxes still tucked away in the corner. 

He lingered around, taking in the sight. They all had made a promise not to profile each other, but she knew it would happen anyway. It was second nature to all of them and she wondered what exactly was he thinking when he walked to the slightly messy nightstand, or when he walked in front of the window that had a heavy box against the frame, making it clear that it hadn’t been opened the whole time she had occupied the place.

“I think these will work”, she said, taking a bigger duffle bag and stuffing the clothes inside.

He didn’t comment, instead taking the duffel bag when it was ready and walking out of the apartment a little hurriedly. She examined the place before she made her way out. Wondering if he had seen something that had prompted him to leave. She shook the thoughts away as they picked their food up and made their way to his apartment.

As soon as the door opened they could see the difference, this was home. For both of them this was the place they knew. They could walk around with the lights out, recite so many conversations that had happened in this place. The laughter that had once filled the place still lingered in between the walls and they knew it. He knew it, maybe that is why he walked out to the other place. It seemed like such a sterile choice for a woman who once had been so full of light.

“What are we watching”, she said, sitting next to him as he sat on his couch, she tucked her legs under her as she opened the take out box.

He clicked his remote a couple of times, zapping through the channels. “I don’t know, we can watch a movie if you want.”, he said, when the choices seemed less interesting as the channels went up.

“Oh wait, go back go back”, she said slightly excited. He clicked a couple more times before he definitely knew what she had spotted.

An episode of Jeopardy was starting.

This was a game they played. They would answer all the questions, even pausing the game if necessary. The loser would always have to do some extra chores. Do the laundry, deep clean the kitchen, clean the toilet, wash the dishes. It was fun, and although Spencer most of the time held the answers for most of the scientific questions she had advantage when the categories were pop culture, it served for an actual competition. Now though, as Alex Trebek presented the contestants it dawned on them.

There was nothing to play for, they couldn’t play for chores because they had two separate apartments, they couldn’t even play for dishes because the food was being eaten in plastic disposable dishes. 

“Let’s play for truths”, he said, she met his eyes as he seemed to have been thinking the same. 

This is the way they had played before moving in together, it had worked then and they could surely make it work now.

The game was divided in segments, and whoever had the most correct answers by the end of the segment was the winner. The first game started with an advantage to him, the contestant having picked science she still was able to answer a couple of questions before inevitably losing to him.

“Okay”, he said muting the TV and turning to face her.

She was smiling, having debated him in the last question before the answer was revealed proving her wrong. Her smile stayed in her face, this all seemed so familiar, like she had done this in a dream a long time ago.

“That one time that I thought I had broken the hand mixer, it was you wasn’t it?”, he asked.

She laughed remembering that. She had tried to make cookies when Spencer was away visiting his mom, but the butter had been stored on the back of the fridge and had solidified a little too much. The apartment smelled like burnt cables for a couple of hours but she tucked it away. In an attempt to hide her failure. The man had tried to make pancakes that next weekend, and told her, who had forgotten to tell him about their appliance that he had broken the hand mixer. She didn’t correct him, and even accompanied him as they bought another one. She would eventually tell him of course, but then things had gotten complicated and the secret didn’t seem important enough anymore.

“You did”, he squeaked.

“Yes, sorry, I can reimburse you for it.”, she said between laughs.

He smiled as he looked at her, wondering how long it had been before she had laughed like that next to him.

“It’s okay”, he assured her with a small smile.

She tried not to over think the slight sadness in his voice, instead unmuting the TV just as the next segment started.

The next round was mostly centered around the sports category, which made it funnier since both of them knew very little about the topic. The answers were mostly guesses and she ended up winning by the end. The empty food trays were now on the coffee table.

Before he could mute it she asked her question.

“Did you actually like the gift I gave you for our first Christmas?”

She asked, it had been a question she had made herself several times, but always slipped her mind, having so many other things to talk to the man about. In the first Christmas office party she had bought the man a set of candles based around his zodiac chart. It had been a gag gift of sorts, since he did slightly complain about people who believed in astrology too much. He had also complained about having a streak of bad things happening to him, they were small inconveniences but she told her to use her gift to cleanse his apartment. The man had come back after the Christmas break and told her how much he liked the gift, making everyone around them slightly confused. Ever since then her gifts had centered around things he actually liked.

“I did”, he nodded. “It even brought me good luck”, he said with a lot of confidence.

“Oh really?”, she snickered.

“Yeah, not because it had my zodiac scent of whatever, but because I had it with me for the whole break, and it reminded me of you”, he said.

She couldn’t help but blush, leaning forward and planting a kiss on his cheek before muting the tv.

This time they had almost missed the start, but quickly got a hold of the game again. His hand was holding hers now, as she had slung her legs onto his lap while they watched.

With most questions centering around math and chemistry it was an easy win for him. This time though she felt him tense under her legs. He shifted slightly. Muting the TV as he faced her.

“I know that we, uh, we are having a good time right now but I need to ask for myself. What are we?”, he asked.

She seemed to be scouring for a reasonable thought in her head for a second before he spoke.

“Yeah I know we are together again like dating, but is that all we are at the moment? Or are we going back to what we were before?”

What were we before? She wanted to ask, but she knew the answer. They were a couple with plans of marriage, a betrothed couple.

“Look, if you don’t want to answer right now that’s okay I understand, but I just want to know if we-”

“I want to marry you Spencer”, she said, and her voice was tiny compared to the ringing in their ears. “Eventually, I want to go back to what we were, but I don’t know if we can have exactly that.”

“Because of me”, he asked in a sad voice.

“Because of me, I mean, I’m scared. You know my dad called me this morning asking how I was doing and I hated having to hide this from him but I couldn’t tell him about this because I’m scared” she sniffled.

He brought his hands to either side of her face, wiping the tears with his trump.

“I’ll be everything you need me to be”, he promised.

“I know that, I think I do”, she said.

“I will fight tirelessly until you trust me again”, he promised again. She put her hands over his.

“I will too, Spencer, but when things get real…”

“Things get broken”, he finished.

It was something she had said before. 

“I cannot afford to have this break again, not this time”, a single tear rolled down his face as he chewed on his bottom lip.

“I love you (y/n)”, he whispered.

“I love you”, she replied, letting the man wrap his arms around her, her head against his chest as she took in her surroundings. In the TV the game was ending now. They couldn’t care less their lips were already meeting the other’s before the end credits even rolled on screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a long time to write this one because I wrote another one and didn't like it, so I had to start over. I hope you guys enjoy this new chapter!


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